Not any more though! Today I headed out to catch up over lunch with Janice, a gorgeous intuitive girl from my acting class. While waiting for Janice, I found myself casually gazing down the street, straight past a very pretty blonde girl. She thought I was making eye contact with her, and wandered over to talk to me! I think the fact that I wasn’t actually trying to make eye contact with her, combined with the fact that I was waiting for another woman, made me particularly relaxed and approachable.

Her name turned out to be Gloria. “As in Gloria Jean’s”, she said.

“Well that’s amazing Gloria, because we’re both wearing jeans. What a co-incidence!”, I joked lamely. And it got lamer! My usual brain fart kicked in, and I immediately forgot her name… even though I had only just made a joke about it.

“What was your name again?”

“Gloria.”

“Oh yeah… I was just making a joke about that, wasn’t I?”

It’s amazing what you can get away with if you’re not fazed by stuffing something up in a conversation with a woman. I think I actually laughed at my own lameness at this point. Then I kept joking with her, teasing her about  her accent:

“You’re obviously an aussie who’s trying to put on some sort of fake German accent.”

She took the bait and ran with it.

“Yeah, I’m planning to have a baaar-by with some of my maaates!”, she mimicked.

“Fair dinkum.”

“I can’t believe it!”, she said, “You’re the first person to spot that I’m German!!! Usually people think my accent is Swiss or Swedish or something, probably because of my blonde hair.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because your attempt at a German accent isn’t actually very good. But if you keep practising, I’m sure you’ll get it down pat.”, I teased.

She loved it, just kept on flirting with me. Around about then, Janice arrived. I introduced them, and we chatted briefly before Janice and I headed off to a great deep-and-meaningful over lunch. I love women that are more than just a pretty face; that have depth and substance. She has a boyfriend, but I’m really glad we’ve become friends because she’s an awesome person.

This encounter highlighted how much more approachable I am when I’m relaxed. It’s easy to relax when I’m not expecting anything, and especially easy to relax around a woman I’ve just met, when I know there’s another waiting for me. That way there’s no pressure, either on me, or on my newfound female friend. In hindsight, I should have asked for Gloria’s number, and I probably didn’t do that because I was worried what Janice would think. That’s my next hurdle to get over; but all-round it was a successful impromptu interaction.

We started off approaching a pair of girls who were sitting in a lounge bar. They were a little hesitant at first, but soon warmed up and were quite receptive to a chat. Turned out they had boyfriend/husbands, but when we didn’t flinch or run away when they said that, they relaxed a bit and became more chatty. It was good conversation practise, which helped put us at ease.

After that John and I approached a few more pairs of girls individually. I’ve been going with the conversation starter “Hey you guys look like fun, are you friendly?”. It often gets a bit of a laugh as it’s clearly a pick-up line, but it works… and most people do turn out to be friendly.

I have a girl I met from Canberra coming to visit Sydney this weekend, bringing 4 of her girl friends, and they want to hit the town on Saturday night. So I started using this scenario as conversation material, saying “Hey, I need your advice on something. I’ve got 5 girl friends coming from Canberra this weekend, and they want me to show them around town on Saturday night. What clubs do you recommend I take them to?”. This seemed to work really well; the story is true, it’s got some social proof built in because it shows that I have other female friends, and I got to ask the girl’s opinion on something.

It was pretty cold in town last night, so there weren’t a whole heap of women to approach and we called it a night about 11pm. We were pretty happy to say that we approached every available group of women that we saw in the clubs that night. We were nervous right before every approach, but we did it anyway. There’s something about being a man who faces his fears that builds self-confidence. And as John said “Imagine where we’re going to be in a years time if we keep practising 2 nights a week…”

I hit the town last night with John, another guy from the upcoming bootcamp. Our pre-bootcamp assignment is to approach as many women as we can. We only just met up last night for the first time, and it was awesome having a wingman who is on the same wavelength as I am.

Together we hit a club in the city, starting nice and early so we had no trouble getting into one of the classier venues. Then we started approaching! We got a bit competitive about it, and all up I did about 8 approaches in the evening, while John did about 6. He’ll have to make it up to me next week.

The friendliest girls I met happened to have boyfriends/fiancée’s, but some were super-encouraging. One of them thought it was awesome what I was doing to learn to engage strangers in conversation. She knew what I was up to; reality is that when we first start doing something, we’re not going to be brilliant at it, and that’ll show. But we ended up in a really enjoyable conversation that was fun for both of us. Almost everyone I approached that night was up for at least a brief chat, and as the evening wore on it gradually got easier. There are some good people out there, and it’s worth taking the time to learn how to approach them.

I have about another month till the actual bootcamp evening, so in the mean time there will be lots more opportunities to do more approach practice, and gradually lessen the old approach anxiety.

I recently went along to an attraction seminar run by street pick-up expert Alex Coulson, and decided it was time to get a dating coach by signing up to one of Alex’s dating workshop bootcamps. On these bootcamps an experienced pick-up coach takes a small group out into nightclubs and teaches you how to approach and interact with women.

I’ve never been a nightclub kinda guy. That whole scene was frowned upon in my conservative upbringing, and since I never really got into going “clubbing”, I never became comfortable in that environment. Add loud noise which makes conversation difficult, and my awkwardness about approaching and meeting people, and the whole nightclub experience was just unpleasant for me. But clearly for other people comfortable in that environment, it looks like a lot of fun. So I’m keen to learn the approach skills I need so that I can enjoy it too.

Although the bootcamp isn’t for a few weeks yet, my coach has already given me plenty of “homework” to do in order to prepare for it. Every couple of weeks we have  a coaching call where he gives me my next assignment. My first assignment was to go out into some clubs, have a look at the sort of people who went there and decide which clubs had the women who I thought seemed most interesting and attractive. Even just going to the clubs to get myself familiar with an unfamiliar environment was part of the idea. I felt pretty awkward at first, but slowly got comfortable wandering around different clubs, sussing them out.

The next assignment was to start making approaches to women, using a simple conversation opener to start a conversation with the aim of talking for at least 90 seconds. First time I went out to do this I was so nervous, I nearly chickened out at the door of the nightclub thinking “I just want to go home!”. But I also really wanted to get this fear handled. So in I went. I was pretty rough at first, and about 50% of the women I went to speak to were prepared to talk to me. Going alone was also really hard work; I quickly learned the value of having a wing-man. There’s something psychological about having some support nearby, so I don’t feel like a loner when an approach goes badly. Another important thing is to have low expectations of myself: simply to make and approach and start a conversation as my measure of “success”.

The next night I went out, I hooked up with one of the other guys from the workshop so I had a wing-man. Funnily enough, he was more nervous about making approaches than I was, so I ended up making all the ones that he declined.

I went out again last night with one of the guys from my men’s group. We checked out a few nightclubs, but he’s a bit older than me and we don’t seem to be aiming for the same demographic. Rather than making approaches, we wandered from club to club, which made me a bit restless. About 1am we decided to head home, and ended up having a conversation with a really lovely (and very attractive!) woman at the ticket machine in the parking station. After driving back home we had a conversation about the importance of remembering our successes, and spending less time beating ourselves up about our failures. We could choose to focus on the positive interaction with the women at the car park, or on the missed opportunities in the nightclubs. Focusing on the positives will always make you feel better, and good vibes lead to more good vibes. We just have to undo the societal and childhood conditioning that leads us to focus on fear, doubt, uncertainty and failure too much of the time.

Tonight I’m going out again with another guy who has also joined up for the bootcamp. I’m looking forward to it; he seems like a decent guy, and I know he’s as committed as I am to getting this approach thing handled, because he’s forked out his cash. A lot of other guys I’ve been “winging” with haven’t had that level of commitment, and it shows. If you want to be successful at anything, you need to have commitment. I’ll let you know how things go. I’m also going to start celebrating more of my successes on this blog; I think it’s key to developing the positive mindset you need to become successful.

Beliefs that inhibit us from having what we want are termed limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs get learned through our experiences of life, and become built deep into our subconscious. They shape our default response to the world. Once any belief is acquired, our subconscious makes an automatic connection between what we observe in the world and the beliefs that we have, which makes these beliefs self-reinforcing.

We selectively gather evidence that supports our existing beliefs, strengthening them in the process; even if they aren’t in our best interests. In some cases a limiting belief was in our best interests in the past, but is no longer working for us; in others, someone else has taught us a limiting belief in the past because it suited their agenda, and we took it on because we didn’t know any better. Once internalized, we started collecting evidence to prove it true for ourselves.

Before we can address our limiting behavior, we need to change or at least reduce the emotional impact of our limiting beliefs. Otherwise we keep doing what we’ve always done, and keep getting the same results we’ve always got.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) has a collection of tools and techniques for changing the way we think by shifting our underlying beliefs and thought habits to be more constructive and less constraining. Changing limiting beliefs so that they no longer have such a strong hold over us is referred to as reframing. But before we change or challenge our limiting beliefs via reframing, we need to identify what those beliefs are.

For example, here are some lists of my own present and past limiting beliefs, which have stopped me experiencing the success with women and dating that I would like:

Limiting beliefs about Myself

• I can’t be happy unless other people understand and accept me.
• I need other people’s approval to feel OK about myself.
• I just don’t get over emotional hurts.
• It’s wrong for me to want an attractive partner; I should just take what I can get.
• If I got a woman pregnant by accident, I wouldn’t cope.
• Other guys are more attractive and interesting to women than me.
• Beautiful women aren’t interested in me.

Limiting beliefs about Other People and Our Interactions

• If I’m honest with people, I will offend them.
• If I offend someone, they won’t like me.
• It’s always terribly bad to hurt another person’s feelings.

Limiting beliefs about Women

• All women are as judgmental and critical as my mother.
• You can have either brains or beauty, but not both.
• Women are offended easily.
• Teasing hurts adult women’s feelings.

Limiting beliefs about Dating, Flirting and Seduction

• Flirting is bad. It’s leading someone on unfairly.
• Seduction is evil and wrong.
• Sex outside marriage is wrong, even when it’s consensual.
• Women don’t want to be seduced.

Limiting beliefs about Approaching Women

• If I approach a woman without her initiating it, I’m bothering her.
• Women don’t want me to bother them.
• If I annoy a woman by approaching her, she won’t like me and I’ll feel terrible.
• When a woman rejects my approach, it means there’s something wrong with me.
• If one woman rejects me, all will reject me.

Imagine walking around with that lot in your subconscious! Little wonder it took me a long time to start being successful with women. Many of these beliefs turn out to be the exact opposite of reality. But we learn them early on, and then just keep acting as though they’re true. Because we never act otherwise, we never get to experience their invalidation.

Here’s a great example:

• People won’t like me unless I try hard to act polite and nice all the time

In fact, if I act polite and nice all the time, most people will become bored with me very quickly, and many will end up resentful that I’m not straight with them and don’t speak my mind when required. Women are actually more likely to end up liking me if I’m straight with them than if I’m polite and nice all the time; even though there’s a risk that I may offend them sometimes.

The way to deal with limiting beliefs is to reframe them by looking at them from a different perspective, and then to act based on the new belief. After a while, we start getting validation to reinforce the new, more constructive belief instead of the old limiting one… and our default behavior changes as we start getting more positive results.

I remember when I first started learning to flirt with women by playful teasing, I was amazed at the way they responded. I had no idea that women love being teased, because I had limiting beliefs from my childhood that teasing always hurt people’s feelings, and that flirting was bad and wrong. So I never had experiences with women that would show me any differently. Once I started flirting with women, I had new experiences which reinforced my new belief that flirting is fun, and that women are playful and fun to get to know; instead of terrifying.

Breaking Chains Of Belief

Sometimes there is a chain of beliefs that run together, any of which could be reframed to break the negative cycle:

• If I approach an attractive woman, I’ll get really nervous.
• When I get really nervous I won’t know what to say
• If I don’t know what to say I’ll feel awkward and bad
• Feeling bad is intolerable

Or

• If I don’t know what to say, she’ll think I’m stupid

• If someone else thinks I’m stupid, then I must be stupid
• The worst thing in the world a man can be is stupid

Or

• I need to be right all the time, or people will think I’m stupid
• If people think I’m stupid, they won’t love me
• If people don’t love me, I’ll either die, or live miserably

We only need to reframe or break one of these connections for the chain to lose it’s grip on us. We are all driven by a deep desire to be loved. Deep down we don’t really care if people think we’re stupid or not; we just care about whether they love us. So if I reframed “If people think I’m stupid, they won’t love me”, then it no longer matters whether someone else thinks I’m stupid, or indeed whether I am in fact stupid. People will love me anyway. It becomes irrelevant because the thought of being stupid no longer makes me feel unlovable and bad.

Or another example:

• If I get something wrong, I’ll feel really embarrassed
• If I feel really embarrassed about something, I will get a terribly bad feeling
• Terribly bad feelings last indefinitely

Here, you could challenge the belief that getting something wrong is embarrassing, or that being embarrassed gives you terribly bad feelings, or that bad feelings last indefinitely. What if getting something wrong wasn’t embarrassing? Or what if being embarrassed just felt mildly unpleasant? Or what if terrible feelings passed so quickly that they were of no concern? Any of these alternatives diminishes the power of the chain of limiting beliefs.

Reframing Techniques

Here are some more suggestions on how to reframe other limiting beliefs:

• Look for counter-examples and evidence that contradicts the belief
• Consider other possible explanations
• Make it about them, not you
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes; get their perspective
• Break it down into a chain of beliefs, and find the flawed link(s)

It takes some effort to reframe limiting beliefs so that we can begin acting differently, getting different results, and coming to more positive conclusions about ourselves and the world around us. But it’s worth it. Then we begin to gather real-world evidence to continue undermining the limiting belief. Once past a certain tipping point, the new belief becomes self-reinforcing instead of the old, and the success we’ve always hoped for starts flowing our way.

I am 54 years old and have always had a hard time approaching women. I am divorced and wasn’t popular in my town because I was a poor athlete and this has always haunted me. Can you give me some advice? I will be going to Cancun, Mexico this summer and want to be attracting women while on vacation.

Here’s my reply:

Thanks for your question. I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. Sounds like you’re hanging onto some emotional baggage from your home town, which is probably compounded by your divorce. So I’d start by looking at the ways in which your existing mindset could be contributing to the problem. Start dealing with your emotional baggage. Consider some therapy. Go into emotional areas you’ve been afraid of.

At the same time, start developing some of the skills women find attractive. Can you dance? Or play music? Dancing will help you enormously to build self-confidence, and will be really handy down in Cancun. Also learn some new social skills, like how to flirt and how to approach women. See my blog articles on flirting and learning how to approach women.

Grab a copy of my ebook, and follow the advice in it. It work. You’ll get there too.

I also highly recommend Joseph Matthew’s book The Art of Approaching.

Let me know how it goes down in Cancun!

Cheers, Graham

I was talking to my friend Ruth about this back in Sydney a few weeks ago, and her advice was this:

“Look Graham, people go out to clubs to meet other people. All you’ve got to do is to walk up and say ‘Hi, I’m Graham’” [puts her hand out to initiate a handshake].

Interesting. I still had a hunch that the wisdom in Joseph’s book would help me, but maybe I was over-complicating things a bit. Us analytical guys tend to do that sometimes.

So last Friday night I hit the town, to see if I could meet some people in a pub or club. If you’re used to doing this, it might seem like a no-brainer; but not to me. I’m the guy who used to have a full-blown panic attack just walking into a nightclub, and the thought of approaching anyone at all, let alone an attractive woman, just freaked me out.

In order to ensure take the pressure off and I had a successful evening, I decided before leaving home that my criteria for success was simply this: to approach at least one person during the night and say “Hi”. If I could accomplish this, I’d consider it a success.

I started off by heading to the wine bar that a friend of mine had recommended. It’s a little hard to find, so I needed to ask directions from a threesome having dinner at an Italian restaurant nearby. “Well, I’ve already approached a stranger and talked to them by asking directions”, I thought. Didn’t really count though; and besides, the wine bar was still closed from the New Year break! Damn.

Well I wasn’t going to give up, so I headed into the center of Canberra. A thriving cultural hub. If you grew up in a desert perhaps. But nevertheless, I found a bar called The Moosehead which I thought might be worth a shot. On wandering in, I discovered it full of men. No women to be seen. Anywhere. “What the?”. I wandered around a bit, but found only men: drinking, playing pool, sitting around. The gender I was most interested in was distinctly missing. I sat down and watched the cricket on the video screen. Cricket? I don’t care about cricket… what am I doing here?

If there were no women to talk to, I figured I’d better have a go at talking to some men instead. There was a guy sitting near the bar not far from me, so I wandered over and said “Hi… I’m Graham”. We shook hands and started to chat. He seemed friendly enough. It wasn’t long before he offered to buy me a beer:

“I don’t drink beer.”

“Huh?”, he looked at me disapprovingly, as if I’d said something totally un-Australian.

“It tastes like piss to me. I drink wine. If you want to get me a red wine, that’d be cool”.

“Wine???”

“Yeah, wine”.

I’m learning not to be fazed when other people don’t approve of the choices I make. It’s all part of getting over Nice Guy Syndrome. I really do hate the taste of beer. Why should I drink something I don’t even like, just because everyone else thinks it’s the manly thing to do? Besides, this guy was drunk as a skunk. What do I care what he thinks?

My new friend introduced me to a few of his friends, all of whom appeared to be wasting a significant chunk of their lives hanging out drunk in this rather ordinary bar. But we had a good chat. I was very open about being there to meet women.

“Where the heck are all the women? There’s only men in here”, I said

“Wait till later. Around 11pm, they’ll be in here.”

“Really? Because I can’t see any here now.”

“Believe me, they’ll be here. Just wait around.”

“And what am I supposed to do for the two hours until then?”

Talk to these drunk guys was the obvious option. They were pretty good to warm up on. Very receptive. I teased them a lot and we joked around heaps; they were good fun. I was saying all this outrageous stuff about how I was there to meet women, and more guys just kept coming over to talk to me. After finishing my wine, I was thinking it was time to move on when one of them offered me another drink.

“No thanks, I think I’m done.”

“What? It’s only 9:30”, he stammered with a look of disapproval.

If this was the best company Canberra had to offer on a Friday night, I might be heading home early, which would mean no more drinks if I wanted to be able to drive. Plus I didn’t really want to be caught staying for several rounds with these drunk guys if there were women out there to meet somewhere. I couldn’t believe how bold I was getting by this stage, when I replied with:

“Look, I know it’s completely inconceivable to you that I might actually want to stop drinking alcohol. But I don’t want any more at the moment, thank you.”

“Just who the hell do you think you are?” he incredulated

Well whoever I think I am, I’m obviously projecting a lot more confidence than before I started all the personal development stuff I describe in How to Become a Chick Magnet. That stuff obviously works. I just smiled in reply. I’m learning that I don’t need to justify myself all the time to other people.

“Well it’s been great meeting you guys, I hope you all have a great evening. I’m off now. Bye”.

It was only 9:30pm, and already my evening was a success because I’d said “hi” to one person. More than one, in fact. I wouldn’t mind saying “hi” to an actual woman though. I wandered around a few city blocks before coming across my next establishment: The Tongue and Groove. It was obviously going off, with heaps of people packed in talking, and a few girls almost dancing. I must have walked past the place three times before summoning the courage to go in.

I didn’t really have much in the way of pick-up lines prepared since I think they’re pretty cheesy, but I did have a simple opinion opener as a fall-back after introducing myself:

“Do you think people are friendlier in Canberra or Sydney?”

As I walked through the crowd, my heart started to explode from my chest. “How am I going to approach any of these people?” One girl made eye contact briefly, and before I knew it I was at the end of the room with nowhere to go. Who to approach? What to say? Oh stuff it, I’ll just have to do it.

I went back to the girl I’d made the brief eye-contact with who appeared to be with three friends and said:

“Hi, I’m Graham.” (put hand out to initiate handshake)

She just stood there with her hands clutched at her chest, looking scared. Oh-oh. I waited. Nervously. Eventually she took my hand, said:

“I’m Jenny”, she said as she turned her back to me.

Damn. Well, I’m learning not to give up at the first hint of rejection. I turned to the girl on her left, who looked like she might be a friend and tried again:

“Hi, I’m Graham.” (put hand out to initiate handshake)

“Hi, Nice to meet you. I’m Mary.”

“Cool. Nice to meet you too. How is your evening going?”

She was more receptive, and we chatted briefly. At least I got a positive response that time. Pretty soon she turned towards Jenny, which meant away from me. She seemed friendly enough though. There was another guy there too, so I thought I’d better include him.

“Hi, I’m Graham.” (put hand out to initiate handshake)

“Hi, I’m Mark.”

“Nice to meet you Mark. How’s your evening going?”.

By then Mary was back.

“Hey Mary, let me ask you’re opinion on something: Which city do you think is friendlier: Canberra or Sydney?”

“Canberra. It’s a smaller town”

Based on Jenny’s reaction, I wasn’t so sure. I should have said so, but the old Nice Guy thing still gets in the way sometimes, so I still self-censor sometimes. But I’m rapidly getting over that, and finally we had some conversation going. Albeit after a bit of a struggle.

“Hey what’s the matter. I don’t look like a stalker do I?”

“You don’t look like a stalker… but you sound like a stalker”, Mary replied.

Ouch. That hurt. People have told me I’ve got a great voice. It’s not as deep as I’d like, so I’m a bit sensitive to it. In hindsight she was just putting me to the test; and I failed by taking it personally and recoiling. Only a bit, but still it would have been better if I’d just smiled or teased her back. I really don’t like being called a stalker either, which is a hint that I probably shouldn’t have brought the subject up… all it did was backfire.

Soon Mary and Jenny took off to the toilets and I was left talking to Mark. He seemed nice enough. Didn’t know whether Canberra or Sydney was more friendly, because he was from Melbourne. I had sensed, perhaps incorrectly, that the girls didn’t want to talk to me, and still feeling slightly wounded from the stalker comment I decided to head off.

“Well nice to meet you Mark. Say goodbye to Mary and Jenny for me when they get back.”

“Oh”, he seemed surprised that I was leaving, “Yeah… OK”.

I think I’d misread things and could have stayed, but I was committed to going by now, so I did.

Now the good thing about all this was that although I felt mildly rejected when Jenny didn’t want to talk to me initially and when Mary said I sounded like a stalker, it didn’t trigger the horrible self-flagellation process that used to go on in my head whenever I felt I’d failed at some social situation. I didn’t spiral downwards into a horrible pit of despair. People talk about being afraid of rejection, but it’s not the rejection that we fear really: it’s the negative way we’ve been programmed to treat ourselves when we encounter it. I was happy that when I’d encountered resistance, I just kept going until I got success. As a result, we all had a brief but pretty good conversation. Nevertheless, I felt like I was done with The Tongue & Groove for now.

I wandered out wondering if there was a place with friendlier people around, and thought it might be time to visit the Irish pub I’d been past before. So off I set like a man on a mission to get there.

And then a most remarkable thing happened. Walking past a cafe on the way, I saw a hot blonde waitress packing up tables suddenly give another guy the bird. You know, the old middle-finger “Fuck You”. Instinctively I must have reacted with a “What-The???” facial expression, because right at that moment the waitress turned around, saw the look on my face and started justifying herself. She seemed embarrassed. She also seemed really hot, and sweet. Something I’m encountering more and more these days.

“He just said ‘bend over lady and take it up the ass you little slut’. Arsehole!!!”

“Um… Right. I see.”, I replied as I kept walking past

“Yeah, he was really disgusting to say that”

“Yeah… totally inappropriate.”, as I kept walking off into the distance.

She kept talking to me as I walked off, even though I was several metres away with my back to her by now. Justifying why she’d made the rude gesture that she hadn’t expected anyone else to see. Hang on, I thought. She seems nice. So I doubled back.

“Hey. Obscene gestures not withstanding, you seem kinda nice. Would you like to grab a coffee after you finish up here tonight?”

“Thanks, but to be honest, I’m really exhausted. Sorry.”

I’m learning not to give up at the first sign of rejection, so…

“Ok, how about another time? I’m from out of town and don’t know anyone here.”

“Um, yeah. I’ve just got back from England and don’t know anyone either, so yes… coffee would be fun.”

“Great. What’s your name?”

“Sally.”

“I’m Graham. Nice to meet you”

She shook my hand while holding a half-full glass of coke, which I ended up wearing.

“Don’t worry… Give me your number.”, I said

(Gets her number, puts it into phone)

“I’ll SMS you mine, and give you a call. Have a great evening!”, I said

“Thanks, bye!”

So I carried on to the Irish pub, with Sally’s number safely stashed in my phone. Somehow this gave me even more confidence. Not only had my evening been a success because I’d met my objective of saying “Hi” to one person, I’d had the guts to approach a group of people and start a conversation with them; and I now had a hot girl’s phone number as icing on the cake. I hadn’t even planned to get any numbers that night; it was my first attempt at this.

In the Irish pub I just walked up to people and introduced myself. Only about 50% of people responded like they wanted to talk to me, but that was enough to have a few conversations. Again, if they didn’t want to talk to me, I didn’t sit there ruminating or analysing myself negatively… I just said hello to someone else. Or listened to the band.

As I walked out, a very cute looking girl was sitting by herself outside, so I sauntered over, sat down next to her and said “hello”. Initially she was facing away from me, but as we talked, her body language gradually became more accommodating. She was waiting for a guy who turned up after a few minutes, and we talked about something to do with friendships. Some of her friends were bumming her out.

“I only hang out with quality people”, I said at one point.

It was in context at the time, but it even surprised me when I said it. No idea where that came from.

“I wish I could say that”, she replied.

“Hell, why not? It’s your life isn’t it?”

It’s amazing how what we say frames the way the world responds to us. Say you only hang out with quality people… and what do you know, before long you discover that’s true.

I went home on a high. I had a successful evening, and ended up with a phone number as a bonus. Some people were friendly to me, some were not. But when they were not, I didn’t indulge in the old self-deprecation rubbish I used to go on with. I discovered I’m able to let other people respond to me the way they do, without me having to get all stressed about it.

I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to approach anyone if I hadn’t been inspired by reading The Art Of Approaching. If you haven’t read it yet, get it now. It’s truly excellent.

2010 is going to be a very good year.

Hey Graham,

It is absolutely wonderful to hear from you Graham. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you but the last few weeks have been hectic to say the least. I have been busy but not quite as busy as you by the sounds of things. Great to hear that the book is still selling. I have some news for you too. I took your example and I invested in some cd’s from David DeAngelo. My personal favourite is Cocky Comedy. I think that is what it is called. Anyway no sooner had I started to use his techniques before I hooked an absolute beauty. I am blown away by how well the system works. Anyway this one is a keeper.

Her name is Natasha, she is 24, brown eyes and jet black hair. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous. She was out here back packing around Australia. She is living in Romania at the moment and originally from Russia. As soon as I get some time off work I am going to visit her in Bucharest. You know what Graham, I think that I am in love. Lust definitely! Love maybe? She makes me feel so young and old at the same time but in a good way. Anyway if it all goes well in Bucharest, I am going to ask her to come back to Australia to live with me.

If it had not been for you Graham and your book and your fine examples and inspiration, I would never have had the courage to approach Natasha, let alone talk to her, chat her up and eventually ask her out. When I used the cocky comedy methods it felt that I was insulting her and her friends but to my amazement it all worked. I had them on the edge of their seats, eating out of my hand and now we have been dating for over three months. Here I was a 38 year old guy, over weight, out of shape and fat. A now I am dating the equivalent of a super model, in my opinion anyway.

What you said in your article about the nice guy attitude is all true. That was who I was, but not anymore. I would have been there asking these girls out and all I would have wanted to do was to please them and make them happy. You are right Graham, it does not work. It only pisses them off. For now everything seems to be going very well for me, thanks in part to you, my friend.

[personal stuff deleted]

May this email find you in good health. I am sorry that the email is so long. I hope that I will be able to help you someday as much as you have helped me Graham. Thanks again Graham.

Cheers mate,

Bradley

Wow. I was totally blown away by this. Completely unsolicited and real. This stuff is powerful and changes people’s lives. Getting feedback like this is what makes all the hard work of writing, publishing and promoting my book on the topic worthwhile.

Rejection is generally the number one fear most guys have when it comes to women. For many years, I was too terrified of rejection to approach the women I was attracted to, which is why I decided I needed to get them to approach me instead. It’s normal to fear rejection; it’s an instinctual response going back to the days when rejection from the tribe meant certain death. But that’s not the end of the story; rejection is no longer terminal and this fear can be overcome. I’m still working on overcoming my fear of rejection, and here are some simple strategies that I find helpful for handling it:

Remember It’s About Them, Not About You

Rejection stings because we turn it into a story about us: We get rejected and conclude that we’re not good enough, not worthy enough, not deserving enough, not interesting enough, not attractive enough. Any insecurity about ourselves is immediately linked to the women who we think has rejected us. Then we generalize and assume that if one woman rejects us, every woman will reject us because there is something wrong with us. It’s all about us.

The antidote to this is to remind us that rejection says more about them than it does about us. After all, they are not interested. It’s not about you; it’s about them. The crunch point for me is approaching a woman to start a conversation; if I can’t get past this, any future relationship is dead in the water. Just not going to happen. So the trick to remember is that if a woman rejects you when you approach, all it means is that she is not interested right now. There are a million reasons why she might not be interested right now, and most of them have nothing to do with you. For example:

• She might be premenstrual
• She might be in a foul mood about something else
• She might be running late
• She might be waiting to meet someone
• She might have a boyfriend
• She might prefer to date ugly morons
• She’s even more afraid of talking to you than you are talking to her

So remember; rejection isn’t about you at all, it’s about them.

Think Of Reasons Why She Isn’t What You’re Looking For

If you get rejected, rather than dwelling on your failure, think of reasons why she isn’t what you’re looking for either. If you never got the chance to get to know her, you’ll have to use your imagination; which can work to your advantage. People are never what they seem on the surface, and women have just as many hang-ups, insecurities, and problems as guys. Run a mile from her if she rejects you, because she may well:

• Have $50,000 in credit card debt

• Have an insanely jealous mafia hit-man boyfriend
• Be secretly married or having an affair

• Suffer from depression/anxiety or some nasty chronic illness
• Be high maintenance
• Have a sexually transmitted disease you don’t want
• Be a horrible gold-digging bitch
• Be dumber, needier, or more annoying than average (50% of women are!)
• Hate men
• Be a lying, cheating, manipulator
• Just want to use you for sex (terrible, I know)

Do you really want to be accepted by a woman like that?

Change Your Expectations

Often we magnify the pain of rejection with the implicit expectation that people we meet should validate us in some way. This is normal, but unhelpful. Often the more beautiful the woman, the more we want validation because it makes us feel good about ourselves. The way to avoid this is to start out by feeling good about ourselves in the first place, so we’re not dependent on validation from other people. This is one of the aims of the program in my book.

If we approach a beautiful woman with the expectation that we can get her straight into bed with us, we’re cranking up the pressure on ourselves enormously. Changing your expectations to “An enjoyable conversation for both of us”, and you’ll be much less fearful.

Think Of The Time She’s Just Saved You

If you meet a woman and she’s not interested, she’s not interested. Rather than being “polite” and wasting your time, she’s just let you off the hook to go and spend your time with someone nicer who potentially is interested in you. Start out with the assumption that regardless of what happens when you meet a woman, there are plenty of other women out there who are better than the one you’re about to meet. If you don’t hit it off, just move on. Let some other poor schmuck put up with her moody nonsense. Politely say “see you later” and remember that she’s just done you a favor.

Humans are social animals. Most people are friendly, but a few are horrors. The same goes for women. Would you really want to spend your time with a woman who would be completely rude to a stranger who approached her with nothing more that the expectation of a mutually enjoyable conversation? If a woman is so rude as to ignore you without showing the slightest interest in you as a human being, she lacks basic respect and social skills. She’s not the kind of person you want to be hanging around with; you deserve better. Move on.

Practice Practice Practice

If you want to get good at anything, you need to practice. Including starting conversations, and handling rejection. To avoid this becoming a painful nightmare, you need to drop your expectations first. Practice starting conversations with anyone and everyone you meet. Over time, you’ll learn how to do it better and better. Bored people like checkout operators or people waiting in queues or for elevators are prime targets. Speak to guys, girls, and anyone you meet standing around. You will need to actually experience some rejection in order to learn that you can handle it: that the sky doesn’t fall, the world doesn’t stop turning, and you don’t need to be rushed straight to the nearest psychiatric ward.

To help minimize the pain you experience when first practicing handling rejection, remember to minimize your expectations. Don’t expect to get a girl’s phone number or to end up in bed with her; just have the expectation that you will get practice at initiating a conversation. Even if they say nothing at all and “reject you” totally, you have still succeeded at making the effort to initiate a conversation. If this is all you expect, you cannot really fail. Most people will respond positively to small-talk, especially if they’re bored. This will help boost your confidence.

Give People Interest Ratings

Another way to help reduce expectations and make the mental shift from rejection being about you to it being about them, is to practice approaching people with the sole intention of ascertaining how interested they are in having a conversation with you right now. Give each person a mental rating between 0 and 10. Remember, the rating is about them; not about you. Walk away from each conversation thinking “She was a 5” or “She was a 2”. Rather than rating her beauty, desirability or hotness, you’re rating her level of interest in a conversation right now. This also helps diffuse the feeling that you’ve “missed out” if she was really attractive to you, because instinctively we know that the lower the number, the less worthwhile she is pursuing. Remind yourself that there’s no point pursuing people who aren’t interested in you; that’s just wasting time you could be spending on women who are potentially interested.

Don’t Generalize

If a specific woman isn’t interested in a conversation with you right now, avoid generalizing this to mean that she wouldn’t be interested under other circumstances, or that other women similar to her won’t be interested either. This is just the mind playing evil self-defeating tricks on us. We’re purpose built to find generalizations everywhere; it’s essential to our learning and survival. But in this case, it’s not helpful. Remind yourself of the reasons why this particular woman is bad news for us, and move on.

Also avoid grouping women into categories like “too good looking for me”. The truth is that there are no such categories. A hot looking woman is just as likely to be interested (or not interested) as a plain looking woman. You may have taught yourself that hot looking women aren’t interested in you, but that’s only because you didn’t care enough about the plain looking women to notice that a lot of them weren’t interested in you either. Regardless of looks or any other quality you might find desirable, most women aren’t going to be interested in you; your job is to locate and connect with the ones that are. Don’t assume that all hot women are gold-digging bitches just because one rejected you once upon a time. Hot women have feelings too, you know.

Focus On How They Feel

If your focus when approaching a woman is to get them to make you feel good by hanging around with you, you’ve lost the battle already. You’ve made it all about you. Remember: it’s about them, not you. Rather than worrying about what you’re going to say to make them like you, think about what you’re going to say to make them feel good, either about themselves or about the conversation.

Be an interesting, entertaining person. Learn the skills necessary to improve the way you interact with other people if necessary. Communication is everything, and if you want to reduce the risk of rejection, then focus on how you can communicate powerfully in ways that make the other person feel good. Don’t worry so much about how you feel; care about their feelings instead, and you’ll get on much better with other people generally.

Have A Fun, Interesting Life of Your Own

The better your life is, the happier you’ll be, the more women you’ll attract, and the easier you’ll find it to handle rejection. When the reality of your world is that there are women available to you 24/7, it won’t matter so much whether the next hottie you meet wants to get to know you or not. Lucky for you I wrote a book on exactly this subject, eh? I suggest you read it.