Dating and Attracting Women

Want to know how to attract women easily and naturally? Here’s a presentation/interview between myself and Shelley Weitenberg of Empower Your Life Club, talking about how to develop the attraction and dating skills you need to do just that:

There’s something about reaching a critical mass of success with women, after which a man feels like he’s not even trying any more. Tonight I would up having dinner with Steph from my acting class; she’s smart, very attractive, and really lovely. A pleasure to share a meal with. When I got home, I found I’d left my laptop on all day, and as I went to close it I found Ruth and Liz wanting to talk to me. Oh and another email from Jenny. I don’t have time to follow them all up this week, and I’ll be out practising more approaches this weekend with my wing man, so things are only going to hot up. Meanwhile Gina from my acting class has totally fallen for me. We did an exercise in class today, and she was sooooo excited that we got to the end of it. But I could tell from the sparkle in her eye that it was more than just the exercise she was excited about. All this female attention can only help boost a man’s confidence!

I can still remember the day a really pretty girl from my Venturer group stopped to talk to me at the bus stop on the way home from high school. One of the kids at school the next day asked me “Who was that girl you were chatting up?”, and when I answered “That was Kate, from Venturers”, his mate remarked “Actually, it looked more like she was chatting you up!”. Well yes… Kate had a boyfriend at the time, and I was rather inept when it came to talking to women.

Not any more though! Today I headed out to catch up over lunch with Janice, a gorgeous intuitive girl from my acting class. While waiting for Janice, I found myself casually gazing down the street, straight past a very pretty blonde girl. She thought I was making eye contact with her, and wandered over to talk to me! I think the fact that I wasn’t actually trying to make eye contact with her, combined with the fact that I was waiting for another woman, made me particularly relaxed and approachable.

Her name turned out to be Gloria. “As in Gloria Jean’s”, she said.

“Well that’s amazing Gloria, because we’re both wearing jeans. What a co-incidence!”, I joked lamely. And it got lamer! My usual brain fart kicked in, and I immediately forgot her name… even though I had only just made a joke about it.

“What was your name again?”

“Gloria.”

“Oh yeah… I was just making a joke about that, wasn’t I?”

It’s amazing what you can get away with if you’re not fazed by stuffing something up in a conversation with a woman. I think I actually laughed at my own lameness at this point. Then I kept joking with her, teasing her about  her accent:

“You’re obviously an aussie who’s trying to put on some sort of fake German accent.”

She took the bait and ran with it.

“Yeah, I’m planning to have a baaar-by with some of my maaates!”, she mimicked.

“Fair dinkum.”

“I can’t believe it!”, she said, “You’re the first person to spot that I’m German!!! Usually people think my accent is Swiss or Swedish or something, probably because of my blonde hair.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because your attempt at a German accent isn’t actually very good. But if you keep practising, I’m sure you’ll get it down pat.”, I teased.

She loved it, just kept on flirting with me. Around about then, Janice arrived. I introduced them, and we chatted briefly before Janice and I headed off to a great deep-and-meaningful over lunch. I love women that are more than just a pretty face; that have depth and substance. She has a boyfriend, but I’m really glad we’ve become friends because she’s an awesome person.

This encounter highlighted how much more approachable I am when I’m relaxed. It’s easy to relax when I’m not expecting anything, and especially easy to relax around a woman I’ve just met, when I know there’s another waiting for me. That way there’s no pressure, either on me, or on my newfound female friend. In hindsight, I should have asked for Gloria’s number, and I probably didn’t do that because I was worried what Janice would think. That’s my next hurdle to get over; but all-round it was a successful impromptu interaction.

Hey folks,

Check out this SlideShare presentation with some great tips on attracting women. It’s even got an audio track so you can sit back and listen to some awesome secrets that will help make you more successful with the ladies:

My friend Stan rang last night to give me an update on how he’s going with this whole life and dating thing. He recently turned 40, and has been single and frustrated for quite some time. But when I heard his speech at his 40th birthday party last year, I sensed that he was ready to make some changes in his life. He’d had enough of being miserable. He wasn’t just going to sit back and keep feeling bitter, resentful or hurt about life any more. He was ready for some action.

So I sent Stan a copy of How to Become a Chick Magnet as his birthday present, and to be honest, even I have been amazed at what this guy has been up to since then. In short, he’s taking massive action, and already getting incredible results.

Flicking quickly through the program in the book, Stan is already well into implementing Steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9 and Skills 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 13. It’s incredible. The program is deliberately ordered so you take the Steps and learn the Skills that make the biggest difference first. And that’s exactly what he’s doing. He’s even doing some stuff I’d never thought of, that I’ll have to put in the next edition. The man’s a machine!

And what do you know… this stuff really works. He’s already finding that women are drawn to him now. He’s not desperate any more. He’s more approachable. He’s doing what he wants and becoming a better man, on his terms. He’s no longer expecting women to make him happy; he’s making himself happy. And the result? Women at work, at dancing, at gigs he plays; they’re all taking an interest in him now, where they weren’t before.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that to get anywhere with anything, you need to take action. That’s the only way to achieve results. Nobody is going to do this for you. Women are attracted to men who act, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty. We need to learn what action to take to get the result we want, and then get off our proverbial behinds, get out there and take it.

I can’t wait to hear from Stan again to see what he’s up to next, and how he’s doing. It’s inspiring. This stuff is just awesome. If you want to start having the success that Stan’s having, start taking action by grabbing the book and getting out there. I can’t wait to hear how you go!

My friend Hot Alpha Female sent me a message today saying that she thought that I’d get more hits on this blog if I posted a message saying I Love Being Naked!!!

Personally, I think she’s completely crazy. But she does know what she’s talking about when it comes to what men can do to become more attractive and successful with women. You can hear me pick her brains on the topic in one of the bonus interviews that comes with How to Became a Chick Magnet.

PS: Double dare!

When I start hearing the same message coming at me from multiple independent sources, that usually gets my attention. Last year I had several sources giving me the message that women want men with backbone who they can “push up against”. They get tired and ultimately resentful of Nice Guys who always yield powerlessly to them, and everyone else.

I listened to an interview recently where Robert Glover described what is wrong with Nice Guys most succinctly by quoting a comment from his ex-wife, who said “How would I know that you could ever stand up for me, if you can’t even stand up to me?”. Robert calls it Nice Guy Syndrome in his book titled No More Mr. Nice Guy! He points out that while Nice Guys think that what they are doing will please other people, ultimately it just leads to resentment. In short, it really pisses women off.

At Passionately Alive, Nicholas talked about the importance of having relationships with people who meet us where we are at, with a similar level of passion. Women want guys who don’t just collapse or run away in the face of strong emotions, whether they be the pleasant or unpleasant variety. When a woman pushes up against a man emotionally, she’s testing his boundaries and his resilience; she wants to know that he’s up to it, and that he’s not going to just walk away or act all pathetic in the face of what’s real for her.

In an anger management workshop, Denise Cook talked of the importance of being able to express our anger, and there’s a chapter about this in my book. But she also talked about being prepared to stand our ground and listen to another person’s anger without collapsing, running away or becoming defensive. Women particularly want men who are prepared to listen to what they have to say, even when it isn’t all sugary and sweet.

When I’m dancing, girls often comment that when I’m providing a strong, firm lead, they enjoy dancing with me more. They want to be led strongly; they don’t want a weak, noncommittal lead. It works the other way too; when a girl has no “tension” and her arm just flops around and yields when I push against it, I feel no connection with her. I want a strong connection, not a weak one. When I push against a girl, I want her to push back because that makes the partnership feel more connected and ultimately more fun. It’s the same in the rest of life too.

I’m still recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome. I was brought up to be polite and respectful, and thought that if I was “nice” to other people, I’d avoid conflict and get through life relatively unscathed. But another way of looking at it is that I adopted the nice guy persona because I mistakenly thought it was the best way to get my needs met. Being a Nice Guy is a lazy way of trying to be happy by seeking other people’s approval and validation, rather than having to learn how to love and validate ourselves.

Some of the symptoms that have affected me are:

• Seeking approval and validation from other people
• Trying to make other people like
• Worrying too much what other people thought
• Avoiding conflict
• Worrying about offending other people
• Trying really hard not to upset people
• Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings
• Apologizing for other people’s feelings of upset
• Not allowing myself to feel or express anger
• Not asking for what I really wanted
• Not speaking up for myself
• Making rejection about me, rather than about other people
• Feeling like I was never good enough
• Believing that if I just tried harder to please people, they would give me what I wanted without me having to ask
• Telling people what I thought they wanted to hear
• Avoiding feelings of shame by not exposing thoughts, feelings or desires I thought were morally unacceptable
• Pandering to the lowest common conservative denominator

Nowadays, I’m starting to look at things differently. I recognize that Nice Guy Syndrome not only doesn’t get me what I really want, but it also tends to piss people off. Especially women I want to relate too. They want a man that’s his own real self with them, not a compliant wuss that’s trying to seek their approval all the time. That sort of thing just isn’t attractive to women.

I’m working on finding my own validation internally instead of seeking it from other people. I’m learning to accept that when people are upset or angry with me, that’s about them rather than about me. I can take it. I’m learning to question and challenge the misguided things that I have been taught about basic human nature which made me feel shameful about myself.

I’m standing up for myself and speaking my truth, whether other people like it or not, and I’m learning to handle the uncomfortable feelings that I get when I do so. Ultimately, I’m learning to be more authentic by stripping away the act that I misguidedly played in the hope that it would make other people like me.

The first step in recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome is to stop trying to make people like you. To do this effectively, you also need to ditch the emotional baggage that makes you seek other people’s approval in the first place. Both these things are key steps to changing your mindset which I describe in How to Become a Chick Magnet, so you’ll want to grab a copy and start the transition from Nice Guy to Chick Magnet right away. Grab a copy of Robert Glover’s excellent book No More Mr Nice Guy too. Love Systems also have a great interview on No  More Mr Nice Guy, with more tips on how to be a more attractive man around women by dropping the Nice Guy act.

Just watching David DeAngelo’s Advanced Dating Techniques program, I really like his distinction between Seduction and Attraction:

“Seduction implies tricking, being dishonest, and hiding your motives. Seduction also implies a scarcity mentality. It implies you lack the confidence that women will be attracted to you, and therefore you must resort to cover maneuvers.

Attraction on the other hand is working on yourself, improving yourself to the point where women are magnetically attracted to you. That attraction mechanism gets pushed inside [the man] very quickly.”

When a man invests significant energy into his own personal growth, he ultimately becomes the sort of man that will attract women naturally. This is more authentic, has a more powerful impact on his whole life, and a more positive influence on the lives of those around him, than simply learning a bunch of nefarious seduction techniques ever will.

I have a friend whose flatmate Frank is a “natural” when it comes to women. Frank often has multiple women an the go at the one time, and his record is having sex with five different women in the one day; all consensual. The guy is simply a magnet for women. So I got together with Frank and my friend to see what insights I could gain into the mind of the natural when it comes to dating and attracting women.

When I turned up to my friend’s house, Frank and rather cute girl were hanging out in the kitchen. “Do you want a sandwich?” he asked her. “I don’t know”, she said. “Well, I don’t care whether you want a fucking sandwich or not; I’m having one anyway.”, he joked around. Frank had a really bad sunburn from being outside working on his motorbike without a shirt on, so once again he had no shirt. She seemed rather besotted as Frank joked and teased her. “Are you in a hurry?”, he asked me. “No”, I sort of lied. It was true that I didn’t have to be anywhere, but I did want to get onto the purpose of my visit: to talk about women and dating. Frank led the girl upstairs for a quickie. “He won’t be long”, my friend remarked. Half an hour later, after Frank had walked the girl to the bus stop, we were at the pub delving into Frank’s mind.

The most obvious thing that struck me about Frank’s outlook that distinguishes him from guys who are less successful with women is his lack of fear and shame when it comes to women, sex, and having what he wants. Frank appears to have missed the societal and/or religious indoctrination that many of us guys go through which teaches us that what we naturally desire is bad and wrong.

I suspect one reason he has no fear when it comes to women is that he has had so much success over the years that he knows for sure if things don’t work out with one woman, another will come along soon anyway. He doesn’t have to tell himself that “there are plenty of fish in the sea” because he knows it deep down through personal experience. As a result, he doesn’t get attached to the outcome of hooking any particular woman. Sure he likes to, but if it doesn’t happen, that’s no drama. It’s not like he’s sexually frustrated or desperate or anything.

Frank doesn’t spend any time at all dwelling on his “failures”; he ridicules the idea. He doesn’t even consider it a failure if one woman isn’t interested in him; he just moves onto the next. So he doesn’t take women and dating seriously at all. “I’m a flow-er.”, he said, “I go with the flow.” He never sits around at home lamenting that some woman doesn’t want to see him; a seemingly rare occurrence anyway given how successful he is. In any area of life, success breeds success; and this seems particularly true when it comes to women and dating. It makes me think that there’s a certain threshold for success with women, above which more success is just a given; but below which frustration keeps us stuck.

Another thing about Frank is that he has no sense of shame. Whether you like him or not, he just doesn’t care; he speaks his mind freely and you either like it or you don’t. That’s not his problem; he’s just being himself. He doesn’t appear to indulge in the sort of rabid self-censoring that most of us guys do, thinking it will get other people to like us by not offending them. He jokes around with his mates and plays games with them like making up outrageous “pick-up lines” for each other to walk up to women with and attempt to start conversations. Meeting women is all a big joke, and good fun, for Frank. It’s not a terrifying ordeal like it is for many guys. He just says whatever is on his mind at the time, and it generally works. He seems narcissistic, yet authentic all at the same time.

A lot of the things many of us guys believe will make us successful with women, actually don’t. Frank doesn’t work hard at organizing fancy dinner dates or anything like that. He simply invites women around to “hang out”, and then lets nature take its course. He figures that if a guy goes to a heap of trouble to woo a woman, she knows straight away that he’s just after sex; and backs off. So instead he just goes about his daily business and invites women to join him. He treats them just like his mates, and calls them “mate”. They’ll come around while he’s tinkering with his motorbikes or whatever, and he just does what he wants to do while they hang out together. This puts the woman at ease because he appears to have no agenda; but also seems to make them feel a tiny bit out-of-place like they need to get his attention, and attracted to him all at the same time. He also teases them. Mercilessly. Most guys are trying too hard to set up artificial date scenarios and be super-nice in the hope that the girl will like them, while Frank is just hanging around building trust with women.

A friend once remarked that Frank “had a remarkable ability to make a woman feel special”, and I’m sure this is key to his success too. It’s just something that seems innate in him. I suspect it might be innate in all of us, but we’ve just been taught to suppress it by being polite and “nice” around women. The secret seems to be for a man to have stuff that he’s passionate about, and invite women to join in. Not in a way that’s trying to impress them all the time; just to include them. Being courteous and charming helps too, but not at the expense of being yourself.

Frank reckons there are pro’s and con’s to his remarkable ability. Being good with women means not being so good with other things in life. He doesn’t earn a great deal of money or have a job that he loves. Men often assume that we need a stack of cash, a great career, and to be better than the competition in order to woo women; but it turns out not to be the case. His mother once told him “There will always be someone else taller, stronger or smarter than you; so don’t compare yourself to other people”. He has other friends who he says are even more successful with women. But he doesn’t care… he’s having too much fun himself.

The cute girl turned out to be Frank’s ex-girlfriend. They’re not dating any more, and he’s looking forward to having sex with several other women too. Whether it’s multiple partners, hot women or threesomes; it all comes naturally to Frank. So how does he handle having more than one partner at a time? He says the line “Why ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to?” has saved his skin many times. He doesn’t lie to them, but he doesn’t rub it in their faces either. And they seem happy enough to go along with it anyway, given that he makes whatever woman he’s with at the time feel special just through his natural charm.

Getting information out of Frank was difficult. The conversation didn’t flow particularly easily. Perhaps that mystery which makes him so appealing to women gets in the way when you just want a straight answer. He has considered coaching other guys on being more successful with women. I think he’d suffer from being such a natural that he can’t easily explain what it is that he’s doing to make it all work. To him, it’s just being himself. I don’t think he even really knows where it stems from; which is why he’s a natural at it. I couldn’t help feeling inspired and a little jealous of his success and how it all just seems so, so easy and natural.

I just got back from a totally fascinating conversation over lunch with my friend Jenny, and her brother Derrick. Jenny lined it up because her brother used to suffer from Chronic Fatigue, something that I’ve been experiencing for the last 18 months. We talked for quite a while about what causes this most frustrating of mystery illnesses, and whether it could have an emotional basis in some of the unresolved family background and upbringing stuff that I’ve been working through over the last few years.

Jenny had to leave early to get back to work, but Derrick and I continued on as the topic of the conversation turned increasingly towards every man’s favorite subject: women, dating, attraction and seduction. It turned out that Derrick and I had even more in common than just the family background of dominant mother and ineffective father: a lethal combination when it comes to setting a man up for future interactions with women. We talked about what makes a man attractive to a woman; and what repels them. We talked about the importance of being authentic, and how us “sensitive” guys often learn implicitly to be insincerely inoffensive and “nice” in our interactions with women; and then wonder why we seem to end up powerless- like our fathers were. We talked about flirting, and about how simply realizing earlier this year that it was a good thing to tease women totally transformed the way I relate to them. I told him my cracker story of the 18-year-old with the DD’s, which I’m sure is bound to end up in some future edition of How to Become a Chick Magnet. We talked about the importance of a man being able to dance, if he wants to side-step a lot of the obstacles that us shy guys face when it comes to meeting women and getting up close and personal with them.

Probably the best thing about my conversation with Derrick was reminding myself just how far I’ve come when it comes to attracting and relating to women. I tend not to give myself credit for the amazing progress I’ve made, just because there’s always more to learn, and a new level to reach. Plus I have such high standards that whenever I fall short, I end up feeling like a complete fraud regardless of how much progress I’ve made; and when I’m not feeling authentic, that feels bad to me. Which is why fake pick-up lines feel awkward to me. Other guys might get away with them, but I end up feeling self-conscious unless I’m being “real”. Of course it turns out that the “real” me isn’t the one that’s been turning up for most of my life: that’s the old emotionally-repressed fake I’m-trying-to-get-you-to-like-me-so-I-don’t-get-hurt me. We talked a lot about the importance of being authentic when relating to women too, and how “faking it” doesn’t work for guys like us. For us, learning to be good with women is more about getting in touch with our true inner selves. The repressed chick magnet within, if you like.

By the end of the conversation, Derrick was inspired and said he could see me coaching men on how to attract women more effectively. “Before our conversation, I just didn’t know what to do. Now, I can see that there are things I can do to make a difference.”, he said. I’m going to send him a free copy of my book too, which I know is going to blow his mind with possibilities. I can’t wait to see what results he gets when he start applying it; I’m excited. And if you know how draining to excitement Chronic Fatigue is, you’ll know that’s a big deal. In return, he’s going to send me some homeopathic remedies. Fair swap I think. I already know he’s going to take action on Skill #1: Learn To Dance. Imagine if he were to implement Skills 2 thru 22 as well; this guy’s going to be unstoppable!

Meanwhile, I’m off to do some more emotional healing work via Breathwork. Several people in the last few weeks have mentioned this technique and although I’m a slow learner, when I start getting the same message via multiple places I do start paying attention. Ditching emotional baggage is one of the steps in my book on attracting women, and although I’ve already done a lot of work on this area of my life, I suspect there could be more to do. And if Derrick reckoned Breathwork helped heal his Chronic Fatigue, I’m willing to give it a go. Attract more women and get well all at the same time… what I bonus that would be.