So I wander up to say “hello”, and one of the girls in the pair says: “So, you’re the guy that’s robotic, yeah?”. It was a reference to a question I asked earlier in the workshop about how to be authentic expressing emotion when you’re not a naturally emotionally expressive person. I explained to the girls that I’d had some feedback about this from my acting class, and that other people had compared me to Elliot Goblet, an Aussie comic with a very deadpan delivery. Something I didn’t consider a compliment at the time!

Then during our chat she had another go at me! Right… game on! I started teasing her mercilessly: “Just because you get to district level in the International Speech contest is no excuse to treat your fellow Toastmasters like dirt, you know! I’m not talking to you any more.”. By this stage she was doubled over with laughter, as I continued talking to her friend giving her an overly-dramatic cold-shoulder.

Her friend asked me a question about something. My reply: “I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I’m still too upset about what your friend here just said to me. What was that again?”

Then I started playfully excluding teasing-girl from the rest of the conversation, while still throwing teasing side-comments her way. She was in hysterics. And a lot of fun. I love this whole flirting thing!

Not any more though! Today I headed out to catch up over lunch with Janice, a gorgeous intuitive girl from my acting class. While waiting for Janice, I found myself casually gazing down the street, straight past a very pretty blonde girl. She thought I was making eye contact with her, and wandered over to talk to me! I think the fact that I wasn’t actually trying to make eye contact with her, combined with the fact that I was waiting for another woman, made me particularly relaxed and approachable.

Her name turned out to be Gloria. “As in Gloria Jean’s”, she said.

“Well that’s amazing Gloria, because we’re both wearing jeans. What a co-incidence!”, I joked lamely. And it got lamer! My usual brain fart kicked in, and I immediately forgot her name… even though I had only just made a joke about it.

“What was your name again?”

“Gloria.”

“Oh yeah… I was just making a joke about that, wasn’t I?”

It’s amazing what you can get away with if you’re not fazed by stuffing something up in a conversation with a woman. I think I actually laughed at my own lameness at this point. Then I kept joking with her, teasing her about  her accent:

“You’re obviously an aussie who’s trying to put on some sort of fake German accent.”

She took the bait and ran with it.

“Yeah, I’m planning to have a baaar-by with some of my maaates!”, she mimicked.

“Fair dinkum.”

“I can’t believe it!”, she said, “You’re the first person to spot that I’m German!!! Usually people think my accent is Swiss or Swedish or something, probably because of my blonde hair.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because your attempt at a German accent isn’t actually very good. But if you keep practising, I’m sure you’ll get it down pat.”, I teased.

She loved it, just kept on flirting with me. Around about then, Janice arrived. I introduced them, and we chatted briefly before Janice and I headed off to a great deep-and-meaningful over lunch. I love women that are more than just a pretty face; that have depth and substance. She has a boyfriend, but I’m really glad we’ve become friends because she’s an awesome person.

This encounter highlighted how much more approachable I am when I’m relaxed. It’s easy to relax when I’m not expecting anything, and especially easy to relax around a woman I’ve just met, when I know there’s another waiting for me. That way there’s no pressure, either on me, or on my newfound female friend. In hindsight, I should have asked for Gloria’s number, and I probably didn’t do that because I was worried what Janice would think. That’s my next hurdle to get over; but all-round it was a successful impromptu interaction.

We headed for dinner at Blackbird, a classy bar/cafe at Darling Harbour, the place to be in Sydney on a Saturday night. I sat opposite Carol, and next to her friend Jenni, who seemed like quite a live wire. Jenni was quite attractive, but seemed a little stand-offish and obtuse, so I started joking around with her and teasing her a bit, while also chatting with Carol. At one stage Jenni started complaining about running out of cigarettes, and asked “Do you know where to get cigarettes around here?”

“No, I don’t. Are you a smoker?”

“Yeah, and I’m out of cigarettes. I want to get some cigarettes!!!”, she protested

“Oh. I hate smokers.”, I countered.

Jenni was a bit taken aback at this. But the truth is that I do hate smokers. Or more specifically, I hate it when people are smoking. Carol and Jenni both looked at me awkwardly.

“What do you mean you hate smokers???”

“Well, I only hate them when they’re smoking. When you’re not smoking, you’re not a smoker”.

We joked about how none of us could be friends then, as I continued to tease them about smoking. It turned out that Carol had the occasional cigarette too; so occasional in fact, that it took her over a month to get through a pack. So I teased her about that too. One of the interesting things I’ve learned about people is that they respect you more when you have a strong point of view, than when you have a weak one. Even if that point is very different to their own, or even somewhat negative towards them! Saying I hated smokers risked alienating the girls, but when I didn’t back down just because they didn’t like that, it actually laid the foundation for greater respect.

“Gee… you obviously don’t care about what other people think of you!”, Carol remarked with obvious admiration. I took this as a huge compliment. Getting over the fear of what other people think has been a huge thing for me, and one of the most liberating things I’ve done. It’s also been a key ingredient in getting along better with women. I remarked that I’d been working hard on that, and thanked her for the compliment.

Jenni wandered off after a while with one of the other girls in search of a cigarette vending machine. While things were quiet, I chatted with Terry, the other mutual friend guy who was down the other end of the table. Terry seemed quite shy and reserved around the girls; a typical Nice Guy. It turned out that Terry was studying Civil Engineering at university. He seemed like a really lovely guy, but like a lot of engineers I know, didn’t come across as all that interesting or engaging if you weren’t into technical stuff. After we’d had a bit of a chat Carol, who knows I used to be an engineer, leaned over on the quiet and asked “Did you used to be like that once?”

“Yeah… I did”, I remarked, as I thought about how far I’ve come with my social skills and general self-confidence.

Eventually Jenni came back, empty-handed and irritable. I teased her about having nicotine withdrawal symptoms… getting the shakes and everything. Later in the evening, she launched into a tirade about how you had to wait for everything in Sydney: we had to wait for a table, they had to wait for a cab, she had to wait for her cigarettes. Jenni was starting to sound decidedly high-maintenance, and in my mind her good looks didn’t qualify as an excuse for that kind of thing… so she was in for some more teasing. Ironically, by the end of the evening, we were all waiting for Jenni to finish her drink before we could go dancing. More teasing ensued. At one point, it seemed as though Jenni was just too much like hard work even to engage in conversation. I was starting to get the vibe that either she didn’t like me, or she was just plain difficult to get on with, when she said something quite funny.

“You’re fun!”, I remarked intuitively, just like I’ve been learning to do in my acting practise exercises.

“Huh? What do you mean by that?”, she said guardedly, clearly thinking I was being sarcastic.

“I mean that you’re fun. I’m not being sarcastic.”

“Oh…”, she follows with a thinking pause.

“He’s a cool guy.”, Jenni says to Carol. Evidently I’d passed the test… without even trying. In fact, I’m learning that this is the best way to pass a woman’s test: don’t try! Jenni, on the other hand, was still looking decidedly high-maintenance, so although I thought she’d be fun to hang out with, she hadn’t passed my test. With her drink finally finished, we headed off to a nightclub.

Once in the nightclub, we all grabbed a seat in the corner and started chatting. It was the only available seat, and was awkwardly positioned in a corner right next to the dance floor. At first I felt uncomfortable being isolated from everyone else in the club; but that’s not how things ended up. While the other girls were up dancing, Carol and I chatted. It turned out that she was an ex-motorcycle-rider, having had 3 bikes. She gave it up after writing off her third one. Interesting story. I’d also had a motorbike, so we had a common interest to chat about. She’d made a remark over dinner indicating that she wouldn’t mind me making a move on her. So when the others were up dancing, I put my arm around her and went in for a kiss. I’m not the kind to kiss and tell, but that wasn’t the end of our evening together. Suffice to say that we both had a very enjoyable time together, and I consider this another successful feel-good evening all round.

Check out this SlideShare presentation with some great tips on attracting women. It’s even got an audio track so you can sit back and listen to some awesome secrets that will help make you more successful with the ladies:

Hey Graham,

It is absolutely wonderful to hear from you Graham. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you but the last few weeks have been hectic to say the least. I have been busy but not quite as busy as you by the sounds of things. Great to hear that the book is still selling. I have some news for you too. I took your example and I invested in some cd’s from David DeAngelo. My personal favourite is Cocky Comedy. I think that is what it is called. Anyway no sooner had I started to use his techniques before I hooked an absolute beauty. I am blown away by how well the system works. Anyway this one is a keeper.

Her name is Natasha, she is 24, brown eyes and jet black hair. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous. She was out here back packing around Australia. She is living in Romania at the moment and originally from Russia. As soon as I get some time off work I am going to visit her in Bucharest. You know what Graham, I think that I am in love. Lust definitely! Love maybe? She makes me feel so young and old at the same time but in a good way. Anyway if it all goes well in Bucharest, I am going to ask her to come back to Australia to live with me.

If it had not been for you Graham and your book and your fine examples and inspiration, I would never have had the courage to approach Natasha, let alone talk to her, chat her up and eventually ask her out. When I used the cocky comedy methods it felt that I was insulting her and her friends but to my amazement it all worked. I had them on the edge of their seats, eating out of my hand and now we have been dating for over three months. Here I was a 38 year old guy, over weight, out of shape and fat. A now I am dating the equivalent of a super model, in my opinion anyway.

What you said in your article about the nice guy attitude is all true. That was who I was, but not anymore. I would have been there asking these girls out and all I would have wanted to do was to please them and make them happy. You are right Graham, it does not work. It only pisses them off. For now everything seems to be going very well for me, thanks in part to you, my friend.

[personal stuff deleted]

May this email find you in good health. I am sorry that the email is so long. I hope that I will be able to help you someday as much as you have helped me Graham. Thanks again Graham.

Cheers mate,

Bradley

Wow. I was totally blown away by this. Completely unsolicited and real. This stuff is powerful and changes people’s lives. Getting feedback like this is what makes all the hard work of writing, publishing and promoting my book on the topic worthwhile.

And then I discovered the secret to flirting. I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Once I realised what it was, I noticed that all the “naturals” I knew who got on so well with the women I was interested in were doing it with these women; I just hadn’t realised. It’s so simple, I can sum it up in one word: teasing.

This revelation was like an epiphany for me when it came to relating to women.

If you want to learn to flirt, you need to learn to tease. The more attractive the woman, the more likely you are to need to tease her. Attractive women are sick of boring guys trying to suck up to her by being “nice” all the time. Perhaps like me, you had bad experiences with being teased when you were a kid, and hate the idea of hurting anyone elses’s feelings. Well we’re all adults now; we’re not in high school anymore. Adult women actually like it when you tease them. It’s fun and flirtatious. Now you don’t want to go too crazy picking things she’s likely to be really sensitive and end up feeling hurt about. The aim isn’t to hurt her feelings; it’s to have some fun and show that you’re not intimidated by her.

Just this weekend I was at a Brazillian Festival in Sydney. I wasn’t feeling real well, but I met a very cute Czech girl there who had the most wonderful energy that just talking to her lifted my spirits. Rather than my old habits of trying to get her to like me, I decided to have some fun and tease her. She came from a town near Prague, and when we talked about how beautiful Prague was, I hassled her saying “If Prague is so beautiful, why did you move to Sydney?”. She said that when she got off the plane, she breathed in the Sydney air and just fell in love with the place. “Kind of makes me wonder what the guy in front of you was smoking!” I replied. You see, I’m learning to stop self-censoring and actually saying what pops into my head in conversations with women. I’m also thinking “What can I tease her about?” in the back of my mind while listening to what she’s saying, rather than thinking “What will I say next to impress her?”

By the end of the conversation, she was doing most of the talking and asking me lots of questions about where I grew up, how many languages I speak. In the past, a lot of my conversations with women have been the other way around, with me asking all the questions as they gradually get less and less engaged. Now I know that teasing is the key I was missing. Of course, that’s not the only key. I wouldn’t have been able to engage her on the discussion about Prague if I hadn’t been to Europe myself, and we wouldn’t have been able to discuss different languages if I hadn’t learnt to speak French and Sign Language.

Travelling overseas and learning other languages are just two of the things I recommend in my book on How to Become a Chick Magnet, if you want to improve your success with women. Grab yourself a copy now and start having more fun with women, and begin experiencing the success you deserve!