This is one of the biggest issues I’ve struggled with in my life, arising as a chronic fear of what other people thought. As a result, in the past I always dressed conservatively and had a conservative hairstyle. This was dreadful as far as attracting and relating to women went.

A big breakthrough for me came a couple of years ago when a stage production I was in gave me an excuse to dye my hair blonde. Getting over the fear of what other people would think and say when I showed up with blonde hair was a big step for me at the time. And the more I’ve gone down the path of overcoming self-consciousness, the more I’ve found women both comfortable around me, and attracted to me.

Last month I decided to quit shaving and grow a beard. Never done that before. Hey, why not? Some people like it, some people don’t like it. One girl friend said it made me look more manly because I have a boyish face. Another didn’t want to kiss me and said I should get rid of it.

It turns out that whatever you do, some people will approve and some will not. Freedom comes when we get over needing the approval of the nay-sayers and just do what comes naturally. The way to get over this is to try something new as an experiment, and then find we can deal with the people who tell us they don’t like it. Something like going blonde, growing a beard, or shaving your head is the easiest way I know to make a sudden shift in our perspective, without going through hours of therapy, meditation or reading heaps of self-help books; good though all that stuff is.

The Leukaemia Foundation are currently holding a fundraising event called The World’s Greatest Shave which is the perfect excuse for shaving your head for the first time. I’ve signed up, and I recommend that you join my team by clicking here. Women are always saying that they like a guy with “confidence”, but often we struggle to work out how to get it. This is the easiest confidence-booster I know, and I’ve tried a lot of things! It’s fun, and you’re bound to have a breakthrough or two when you do something you wouldn’t normally, and the women of the world start seeing you in a new light.

See larger image Radical Honesty: How To Transform Your Life By Telling The Truth (Paperback) By (author) Brad Blanton List Price: $19.00 USD New From: $9.00 In Stock Used from: $0.32 In Stock Release date April 1, 1996.

I was blown away by this brilliant book; it totally had me hooked. One of the things that I noticed when talking to Frank the natural was just how brutally honest he was, and that women found this trait very, very attractive. Even if they found him offensive at times, there was something about his disarming honesty that got under their skin. And this book explains what it is, and how to get it.

The author puts the boot straight into the curse of moralism as the cause of our obsessive self-critical thinking and resulting inability to be free to be ourselves, and act instinctively instead of regimentally. He cites two modern-day institutions as prime examples that perpetuate moralism: lawyers and the legal system, and the Catholic church; both of which are rich sources of clients in his psychotherapy practice. By pushing doctrines and sets of rules about what’s right and wrong, and how people should behave, these institutions and others like them enslave people to black-and-white thinking that goes against the inherent contradictions of life as a human being.

The result is that we end up stuck in our head, beating ourselves up over natural behavior and trying to work out analytically what behavior we think is right, rather than actually living authentically. Along the way, we learn to lie when what we want to say and do differs from what other uptight people around us seem to want. We end up thinking this will gain us approval from other people and give us a problem-free life. In fact, we end up dissociated from ourselves, disconnected from other people, and stressed out… all in a vain attempt to avoid offending people whose opinion doesn’t really matter anyway, and the resulting conflict which we imagine will be unbearable.

Liberation of our beings from the constraints of our mind turns out to be simple: start telling the truth, and deal with the consequences. Blanton breaks truth-telling down into 3 levels:

1. Revealing the Facts
2. Honesty About Current Thoughts and Feelings
3. Admitting That You Are Not Who You Have Been Pretending To Be

Each succeeding level leads to greater openness, vulnerability, connection with others, and authenticity. Along with greater potential for conflict with defensive people operating out of fear on a lower level. Staying at level 3 all the time is hard work, and pretty much impossible. Level 2 is achievable, and gives you huge relationship breakthroughs. But most people don’t even operate at level 1.

My family of origin didn’t even do level 1 very well. Most of my parent’s arguments were disagreements about facts revealed in previous arguments. That meant they never even got close to level 2. If you’re attacked about your version of the facts, you’re not about to reveal feelings which are even more intangible and open to ridicule, if that’s what your opponent is into. So I grew up learning that being fundamentally honest wasn’t really a good thing. I fooled myself into thinking that I was an honest, nice guy; when in fact I held back so much that I was thoroughly deceptive and even manipulative. I didn’t know that a man can get his needs met by being open and honest about them, so I learned to withhold and lie instead. I did it in a way that seemed nice enough, but really I was kidding myself and I didn’t end up getting my needs met anyway.

The chapter on dealing with anger was particularly illuminating for me. If you find yourself never getting angry or holding back, it’s possible that you’ve repressed your anger so much that you barely even feel it. This has definitely been the case for me, as my mother was verbally abusive and my father violent when they were angry; so I vowed never to follow them as role models. But men who are incapable of expressing anger appear as unattractive wimps to women. The antidote to this is to start expressing your resentment to people, and get over your fear of how they will respond. I recently told a woman that I resented her for keeping me waiting when I turned up for a lunch date; something I previously would not have done. Not only did she apologize, but even though it clearly made her feel bad, she became even more engaged in our conversation as a result.

A key point that Blanton makes is that emotions are transitory when they are freely expressed. They only hang around when we bottle them up. So if we express anger towards someone else in a constructive manner, it dissipates. We need to be aware of this when we’re on the receiving end; just because they’re angry today doesn’t mean they will be tomorrow. Don’t take other people’s feelings personally. They can be hating us right now, and loving us tomorrow. This sharing of emotions, even of seemingly negative ones, builds intimacy, trust, and allows opportunities for forgiveness. Of course it needs to be done constructively, and the book gives a formula for doing this especially with anger, since it’s the emotion we often struggle with expressing constructively.

Radical honesty is attractive to women. It turns out that women (and men!) have more respect for someone who is honest and abrupt, even if they disagree with them or find their morals questionable, than someone who is hard to pin down or changes their tune according to the views of the other person. I highly recommend this book to guys who find themselves holding back around the women they want to attract. It’s absolute gold.

See larger image The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists (Imitation Leather) By (author) Neil Strauss List Price: $35.99 USD New From: $19.75 In Stock Used from: $16.50 In Stock Release date September 6, 2005.

An introverted writer goes to meet the world’s greatest pick-up artists in order to write a book about their craft. In the process, he becomes one of them. He has sex with a zillion women by putting on a complete façade with every line and move pre-scripted. After a while, it becomes natural. In the process, he develops the confidence to attract a woman who actually likes him for who he is, rather than for the pick-up persona he pretends to be.

I was totally intrigued, and I have to admit inspired by this book. Shortly after reading it I started changing the way I related to women and began using some of the techniques it describes. I was quite shocked at the positive way in which women responded. At first I didn’t want to believe that the less “nice” I was to a woman, the more she would engage with me. I started “neging” via SMS a much younger girl who I was interested in, and couldn’t believe that she kept responding to me. I thought she’d just fob me off and stop replying, which is what used to happen to me all the time, but instead she kept coming back as I kept on teasing her.

I started joking around more than I ever had with women. I became more fun and playful. I started taking it all less seriously. I started recognising when I was acting needy towards women, and stopped doing that. Gradually I even learned to make myself happy without relying on a woman’s approval. Sometimes I even deliberately sought disapproval, which turns out to be a lot of fun. I get now why bad boys get laid more than nice guys: they’re not needy, and they’re exciting to be around. And that’s an attractive combination to women.

I should be sickened by the way the guys in The Game treat women and disposable sex-objects, but I find myself intrigued and jealous instead, wanting my piece of the action. These guys don’t deserve it all to themselves; they’re shallow, ego-centric narcissists with low self-esteem. In other words, they’re like me. They trade on women’s evolutionary biological vulnerability. They lie, cheat, deceive and seduce their prey while telling themselves that they’re being honest because they don’t pretend to be monogamous in their relationships. Part of me wishes I could be the same, and it’s a big part. I want my share of the action too, but my scruples keep getting in the way. Or perhaps I’m kidding myself. Maybe the women these guys seduce really do want to be seduced after all, and my nice-guy I-wouldn’t-ever-do-that shield is just a way of avoiding the potential pain of rejection. If deep down women want the excitement of a really good seduction, why aren’t I out there keeping up my end of the bargain? And feeling powerful to boot.

I really recommend this book to any guy who has struggled with women. It’s not written to teach you the art of pick-up, but it does contain a lot of useful tips on relating to women along the way. If you don’t want me to spoil the ending for you, stop reading here. Grab the book and start reading it instead.

Spoiler warning! I’m about to give away the ending…

Something seems wrong with a universe where this guy gets the girl that he wants only by screwing over so many other beautiful women that he’s no longer so intimidated by the girl of his dreams. She says she likes him for who he really is, but he points out that if it weren’t for who he had become in learning pick-up artistry, she would never have given the “real” him a second look. I wonder what this means for regular nice guys. Do we ditch the scruples, learn to lie, deceive and cheat our way to what we want, and then fall back on “But deep down, I’m actually a good guy” when the girl of our dreams comes along? The story reads as though this guy has his cake and eats it too; while those around him go through existential crises, relationships with no meaning, and full-on mental breakdowns. Things shouldn’t be like this, I tell myself. Or maybe it’s time to accept that things are the way they are, and Get Over It.

Buy The Game from Amazon.com

I can’t help guys that aren’t serious about wanting help!

You see, I was chatting on MSN to a girl I’d dated recently, and she asked me:

“Graham, how is it that you have so many women interested in you?”

“Why do you ask?”, I replied

“Well, I have this friend who’s really struggling to meet women. Can you help him?”

My natural reaction was to think “Sure, I love helping guys with this.” But somehow my gut instinct kicked in. Maybe it was the fact that this guy wasn’t asking me directly, or perhaps it was just the phase of the moon. But something twigged in me and made me ask:

“Is he serious about this?”

“Yeah. Of course. Why do you think he wouldn’t be???”

She seemed offended that I’d even considered the possibility that he might not be serious.

“OK. Then. Yes, as a matter of fact, I can help him…”

The girl knew that I was a writer, but while we were dating I’d never got around to telling her what I actually wrote about. I went on to explain that I had the perfect answer to her friend’s question in the form of a book titled How to Become a Chick Magnet.

The book describes in detail the exact process I used to transform my life from nerdy computer engineer who was hopeless with women, to a man who now regularly has women asking me to meet up for coffee with them. It is precisely targeted to answer to my friend’s question. I couldn’t image a better match if stone tablets dropped from the sky at that precise moment in history with a message to help him.

So I pointed them to the website where her friend could pick up a copy. And guess what… they made every excuse under the sun as to why he didn’t want the answer to his own question! “It looks like it’s got a virus” he said. Nope… no viruses on my site buddy. “It looks dodgy” he said. Dodgy? Hardly. It’s the real deal. “What, I have to pay for it?” he said. Oh, so we want a freebie. Well that’s not what I call a good indication of commitment.

Crikey! I go to all the trouble of finely handcrafting an answer to this guy’s problem in advance to save him all the time I had to invest in sorting it out, and then lead him to it; and he still doesn’t get it.

There is no magic quick-fix formula for attracting women. Sites that try to sell you one are running scams. If you want more success with women, you need to make some changes in your life. You need to take action. Not your mates, not your mother, not your sister or your brother. But you. You can’t change your life by getting someone else to do it for you, which is what this guy wanted. My intuition about that turned out to be spot-on; he wouldn’t even take the first step, let alone the others I recommend in the book that would actually get him the success he wanted.

If you’re reading this, chances are you probably want more success with women. I’ve lead you to water, but I can’t make you drink. And frankly, I’m a bit over trying to help guys who make excuses and won’t take action. I’d much rather work with guys who are committed, because I know they get awesome results when they read my book, and getting results is what I get excited about.

So if you’re prepared to take the first step, and the ones after that which ensure your success, click here to grab a copy. Start drinking at the well of knowledge and charting a course towards a life of vastly greater success with women. Even if it does have mixed metaphors!

One of the free bonuses that comes with How to Become a Chick Magnet is an interview where he talks about how guys can become the Alpha-Male who attracts women naturally.

You’ve gotta check it out; in the interview, James actually compares the physiological response we get when approaching a woman to his experience of a roadside bomb attack on the squadron he was leading while serving in Iraq. It’s amazing!

Check out this free preview:

For the full interview, grab your copy of How to Become a Chick Magnet right away.

Beliefs that inhibit us from having what we want are termed limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs get learned through our experiences of life, and become built deep into our subconscious. They shape our default response to the world. Once any belief is acquired, our subconscious makes an automatic connection between what we observe in the world and the beliefs that we have, which makes these beliefs self-reinforcing.

We selectively gather evidence that supports our existing beliefs, strengthening them in the process; even if they aren’t in our best interests. In some cases a limiting belief was in our best interests in the past, but is no longer working for us; in others, someone else has taught us a limiting belief in the past because it suited their agenda, and we took it on because we didn’t know any better. Once internalized, we started collecting evidence to prove it true for ourselves.

Before we can address our limiting behavior, we need to change or at least reduce the emotional impact of our limiting beliefs. Otherwise we keep doing what we’ve always done, and keep getting the same results we’ve always got.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) has a collection of tools and techniques for changing the way we think by shifting our underlying beliefs and thought habits to be more constructive and less constraining. Changing limiting beliefs so that they no longer have such a strong hold over us is referred to as reframing. But before we change or challenge our limiting beliefs via reframing, we need to identify what those beliefs are.

For example, here are some lists of my own present and past limiting beliefs, which have stopped me experiencing the success with women and dating that I would like:

Limiting beliefs about Myself

• I can’t be happy unless other people understand and accept me.
• I need other people’s approval to feel OK about myself.
• I just don’t get over emotional hurts.
• It’s wrong for me to want an attractive partner; I should just take what I can get.
• If I got a woman pregnant by accident, I wouldn’t cope.
• Other guys are more attractive and interesting to women than me.
• Beautiful women aren’t interested in me.

Limiting beliefs about Other People and Our Interactions

• If I’m honest with people, I will offend them.
• If I offend someone, they won’t like me.
• It’s always terribly bad to hurt another person’s feelings.

Limiting beliefs about Women

• All women are as judgmental and critical as my mother.
• You can have either brains or beauty, but not both.
• Women are offended easily.
• Teasing hurts adult women’s feelings.

Limiting beliefs about Dating, Flirting and Seduction

• Flirting is bad. It’s leading someone on unfairly.
• Seduction is evil and wrong.
• Sex outside marriage is wrong, even when it’s consensual.
• Women don’t want to be seduced.

Limiting beliefs about Approaching Women

• If I approach a woman without her initiating it, I’m bothering her.
• Women don’t want me to bother them.
• If I annoy a woman by approaching her, she won’t like me and I’ll feel terrible.
• When a woman rejects my approach, it means there’s something wrong with me.
• If one woman rejects me, all will reject me.

Imagine walking around with that lot in your subconscious! Little wonder it took me a long time to start being successful with women. Many of these beliefs turn out to be the exact opposite of reality. But we learn them early on, and then just keep acting as though they’re true. Because we never act otherwise, we never get to experience their invalidation.

Here’s a great example:

• People won’t like me unless I try hard to act polite and nice all the time

In fact, if I act polite and nice all the time, most people will become bored with me very quickly, and many will end up resentful that I’m not straight with them and don’t speak my mind when required. Women are actually more likely to end up liking me if I’m straight with them than if I’m polite and nice all the time; even though there’s a risk that I may offend them sometimes.

The way to deal with limiting beliefs is to reframe them by looking at them from a different perspective, and then to act based on the new belief. After a while, we start getting validation to reinforce the new, more constructive belief instead of the old limiting one… and our default behavior changes as we start getting more positive results.

I remember when I first started learning to flirt with women by playful teasing, I was amazed at the way they responded. I had no idea that women love being teased, because I had limiting beliefs from my childhood that teasing always hurt people’s feelings, and that flirting was bad and wrong. So I never had experiences with women that would show me any differently. Once I started flirting with women, I had new experiences which reinforced my new belief that flirting is fun, and that women are playful and fun to get to know; instead of terrifying.

Breaking Chains Of Belief

Sometimes there is a chain of beliefs that run together, any of which could be reframed to break the negative cycle:

• If I approach an attractive woman, I’ll get really nervous.
• When I get really nervous I won’t know what to say
• If I don’t know what to say I’ll feel awkward and bad
• Feeling bad is intolerable

Or

• If I don’t know what to say, she’ll think I’m stupid

• If someone else thinks I’m stupid, then I must be stupid
• The worst thing in the world a man can be is stupid

Or

• I need to be right all the time, or people will think I’m stupid
• If people think I’m stupid, they won’t love me
• If people don’t love me, I’ll either die, or live miserably

We only need to reframe or break one of these connections for the chain to lose it’s grip on us. We are all driven by a deep desire to be loved. Deep down we don’t really care if people think we’re stupid or not; we just care about whether they love us. So if I reframed “If people think I’m stupid, they won’t love me”, then it no longer matters whether someone else thinks I’m stupid, or indeed whether I am in fact stupid. People will love me anyway. It becomes irrelevant because the thought of being stupid no longer makes me feel unlovable and bad.

Or another example:

• If I get something wrong, I’ll feel really embarrassed
• If I feel really embarrassed about something, I will get a terribly bad feeling
• Terribly bad feelings last indefinitely

Here, you could challenge the belief that getting something wrong is embarrassing, or that being embarrassed gives you terribly bad feelings, or that bad feelings last indefinitely. What if getting something wrong wasn’t embarrassing? Or what if being embarrassed just felt mildly unpleasant? Or what if terrible feelings passed so quickly that they were of no concern? Any of these alternatives diminishes the power of the chain of limiting beliefs.

Reframing Techniques

Here are some more suggestions on how to reframe other limiting beliefs:

• Look for counter-examples and evidence that contradicts the belief
• Consider other possible explanations
• Make it about them, not you
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes; get their perspective
• Break it down into a chain of beliefs, and find the flawed link(s)

It takes some effort to reframe limiting beliefs so that we can begin acting differently, getting different results, and coming to more positive conclusions about ourselves and the world around us. But it’s worth it. Then we begin to gather real-world evidence to continue undermining the limiting belief. Once past a certain tipping point, the new belief becomes self-reinforcing instead of the old, and the success we’ve always hoped for starts flowing our way.

Check out this SlideShare presentation with some great tips on attracting women. It’s even got an audio track so you can sit back and listen to some awesome secrets that will help make you more successful with the ladies:

I am 54 years old and have always had a hard time approaching women. I am divorced and wasn’t popular in my town because I was a poor athlete and this has always haunted me. Can you give me some advice? I will be going to Cancun, Mexico this summer and want to be attracting women while on vacation.

Here’s my reply:

Thanks for your question. I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. Sounds like you’re hanging onto some emotional baggage from your home town, which is probably compounded by your divorce. So I’d start by looking at the ways in which your existing mindset could be contributing to the problem. Start dealing with your emotional baggage. Consider some therapy. Go into emotional areas you’ve been afraid of.

At the same time, start developing some of the skills women find attractive. Can you dance? Or play music? Dancing will help you enormously to build self-confidence, and will be really handy down in Cancun. Also learn some new social skills, like how to flirt and how to approach women. See my blog articles on flirting and learning how to approach women.

Grab a copy of my ebook, and follow the advice in it. It work. You’ll get there too.

I also highly recommend Joseph Matthew’s book The Art of Approaching.

Let me know how it goes down in Cancun!

Cheers, Graham

So I sent Stan a copy of How to Become a Chick Magnet as his birthday present, and to be honest, even I have been amazed at what this guy has been up to since then. In short, he’s taking massive action, and already getting incredible results.

Flicking quickly through the program in the book, Stan is already well into implementing Steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9 and Skills 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 13. It’s incredible. The program is deliberately ordered so you take the Steps and learn the Skills that make the biggest difference first. And that’s exactly what he’s doing. He’s even doing some stuff I’d never thought of, that I’ll have to put in the next edition. The man’s a machine!

And what do you know… this stuff really works. He’s already finding that women are drawn to him now. He’s not desperate any more. He’s more approachable. He’s doing what he wants and becoming a better man, on his terms. He’s no longer expecting women to make him happy; he’s making himself happy. And the result? Women at work, at dancing, at gigs he plays; they’re all taking an interest in him now, where they weren’t before.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that to get anywhere with anything, you need to take action. That’s the only way to achieve results. Nobody is going to do this for you. Women are attracted to men who act, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty. We need to learn what action to take to get the result we want, and then get off our proverbial behinds, get out there and take it.

I can’t wait to hear from Stan again to see what he’s up to next, and how he’s doing. It’s inspiring. This stuff is just awesome. If you want to start having the success that Stan’s having, start taking action by grabbing the book and getting out there. I can’t wait to hear how you go!

I was talking to my friend Ruth about this back in Sydney a few weeks ago, and her advice was this:

“Look Graham, people go out to clubs to meet other people. All you’ve got to do is to walk up and say ‘Hi, I’m Graham’” [puts her hand out to initiate a handshake].

Interesting. I still had a hunch that the wisdom in Joseph’s book would help me, but maybe I was over-complicating things a bit. Us analytical guys tend to do that sometimes.

So last Friday night I hit the town, to see if I could meet some people in a pub or club. If you’re used to doing this, it might seem like a no-brainer; but not to me. I’m the guy who used to have a full-blown panic attack just walking into a nightclub, and the thought of approaching anyone at all, let alone an attractive woman, just freaked me out.

In order to ensure take the pressure off and I had a successful evening, I decided before leaving home that my criteria for success was simply this: to approach at least one person during the night and say “Hi”. If I could accomplish this, I’d consider it a success.

I started off by heading to the wine bar that a friend of mine had recommended. It’s a little hard to find, so I needed to ask directions from a threesome having dinner at an Italian restaurant nearby. “Well, I’ve already approached a stranger and talked to them by asking directions”, I thought. Didn’t really count though; and besides, the wine bar was still closed from the New Year break! Damn.

Well I wasn’t going to give up, so I headed into the center of Canberra. A thriving cultural hub. If you grew up in a desert perhaps. But nevertheless, I found a bar called The Moosehead which I thought might be worth a shot. On wandering in, I discovered it full of men. No women to be seen. Anywhere. “What the?”. I wandered around a bit, but found only men: drinking, playing pool, sitting around. The gender I was most interested in was distinctly missing. I sat down and watched the cricket on the video screen. Cricket? I don’t care about cricket… what am I doing here?

If there were no women to talk to, I figured I’d better have a go at talking to some men instead. There was a guy sitting near the bar not far from me, so I wandered over and said “Hi… I’m Graham”. We shook hands and started to chat. He seemed friendly enough. It wasn’t long before he offered to buy me a beer:

“I don’t drink beer.”

“Huh?”, he looked at me disapprovingly, as if I’d said something totally un-Australian.

“It tastes like piss to me. I drink wine. If you want to get me a red wine, that’d be cool”.

“Wine???”

“Yeah, wine”.

I’m learning not to be fazed when other people don’t approve of the choices I make. It’s all part of getting over Nice Guy Syndrome. I really do hate the taste of beer. Why should I drink something I don’t even like, just because everyone else thinks it’s the manly thing to do? Besides, this guy was drunk as a skunk. What do I care what he thinks?

My new friend introduced me to a few of his friends, all of whom appeared to be wasting a significant chunk of their lives hanging out drunk in this rather ordinary bar. But we had a good chat. I was very open about being there to meet women.

“Where the heck are all the women? There’s only men in here”, I said

“Wait till later. Around 11pm, they’ll be in here.”

“Really? Because I can’t see any here now.”

“Believe me, they’ll be here. Just wait around.”

“And what am I supposed to do for the two hours until then?”

Talk to these drunk guys was the obvious option. They were pretty good to warm up on. Very receptive. I teased them a lot and we joked around heaps; they were good fun. I was saying all this outrageous stuff about how I was there to meet women, and more guys just kept coming over to talk to me. After finishing my wine, I was thinking it was time to move on when one of them offered me another drink.

“No thanks, I think I’m done.”

“What? It’s only 9:30”, he stammered with a look of disapproval.

If this was the best company Canberra had to offer on a Friday night, I might be heading home early, which would mean no more drinks if I wanted to be able to drive. Plus I didn’t really want to be caught staying for several rounds with these drunk guys if there were women out there to meet somewhere. I couldn’t believe how bold I was getting by this stage, when I replied with:

“Look, I know it’s completely inconceivable to you that I might actually want to stop drinking alcohol. But I don’t want any more at the moment, thank you.”

“Just who the hell do you think you are?” he incredulated

Well whoever I think I am, I’m obviously projecting a lot more confidence than before I started all the personal development stuff I describe in How to Become a Chick Magnet. That stuff obviously works. I just smiled in reply. I’m learning that I don’t need to justify myself all the time to other people.

“Well it’s been great meeting you guys, I hope you all have a great evening. I’m off now. Bye”.

It was only 9:30pm, and already my evening was a success because I’d said “hi” to one person. More than one, in fact. I wouldn’t mind saying “hi” to an actual woman though. I wandered around a few city blocks before coming across my next establishment: The Tongue and Groove. It was obviously going off, with heaps of people packed in talking, and a few girls almost dancing. I must have walked past the place three times before summoning the courage to go in.

I didn’t really have much in the way of pick-up lines prepared since I think they’re pretty cheesy, but I did have a simple opinion opener as a fall-back after introducing myself:

“Do you think people are friendlier in Canberra or Sydney?”

As I walked through the crowd, my heart started to explode from my chest. “How am I going to approach any of these people?” One girl made eye contact briefly, and before I knew it I was at the end of the room with nowhere to go. Who to approach? What to say? Oh stuff it, I’ll just have to do it.

I went back to the girl I’d made the brief eye-contact with who appeared to be with three friends and said:

“Hi, I’m Graham.” (put hand out to initiate handshake)

She just stood there with her hands clutched at her chest, looking scared. Oh-oh. I waited. Nervously. Eventually she took my hand, said:

“I’m Jenny”, she said as she turned her back to me.

Damn. Well, I’m learning not to give up at the first hint of rejection. I turned to the girl on her left, who looked like she might be a friend and tried again:

“Hi, I’m Graham.” (put hand out to initiate handshake)

“Hi, Nice to meet you. I’m Mary.”

“Cool. Nice to meet you too. How is your evening going?”

She was more receptive, and we chatted briefly. At least I got a positive response that time. Pretty soon she turned towards Jenny, which meant away from me. She seemed friendly enough though. There was another guy there too, so I thought I’d better include him.

“Hi, I’m Graham.” (put hand out to initiate handshake)

“Hi, I’m Mark.”

“Nice to meet you Mark. How’s your evening going?”.

By then Mary was back.

“Hey Mary, let me ask you’re opinion on something: Which city do you think is friendlier: Canberra or Sydney?”

“Canberra. It’s a smaller town”

Based on Jenny’s reaction, I wasn’t so sure. I should have said so, but the old Nice Guy thing still gets in the way sometimes, so I still self-censor sometimes. But I’m rapidly getting over that, and finally we had some conversation going. Albeit after a bit of a struggle.

“Hey what’s the matter. I don’t look like a stalker do I?”

“You don’t look like a stalker… but you sound like a stalker”, Mary replied.

Ouch. That hurt. People have told me I’ve got a great voice. It’s not as deep as I’d like, so I’m a bit sensitive to it. In hindsight she was just putting me to the test; and I failed by taking it personally and recoiling. Only a bit, but still it would have been better if I’d just smiled or teased her back. I really don’t like being called a stalker either, which is a hint that I probably shouldn’t have brought the subject up… all it did was backfire.

Soon Mary and Jenny took off to the toilets and I was left talking to Mark. He seemed nice enough. Didn’t know whether Canberra or Sydney was more friendly, because he was from Melbourne. I had sensed, perhaps incorrectly, that the girls didn’t want to talk to me, and still feeling slightly wounded from the stalker comment I decided to head off.

“Well nice to meet you Mark. Say goodbye to Mary and Jenny for me when they get back.”

“Oh”, he seemed surprised that I was leaving, “Yeah… OK”.

I think I’d misread things and could have stayed, but I was committed to going by now, so I did.

Now the good thing about all this was that although I felt mildly rejected when Jenny didn’t want to talk to me initially and when Mary said I sounded like a stalker, it didn’t trigger the horrible self-flagellation process that used to go on in my head whenever I felt I’d failed at some social situation. I didn’t spiral downwards into a horrible pit of despair. People talk about being afraid of rejection, but it’s not the rejection that we fear really: it’s the negative way we’ve been programmed to treat ourselves when we encounter it. I was happy that when I’d encountered resistance, I just kept going until I got success. As a result, we all had a brief but pretty good conversation. Nevertheless, I felt like I was done with The Tongue & Groove for now.

I wandered out wondering if there was a place with friendlier people around, and thought it might be time to visit the Irish pub I’d been past before. So off I set like a man on a mission to get there.

And then a most remarkable thing happened. Walking past a cafe on the way, I saw a hot blonde waitress packing up tables suddenly give another guy the bird. You know, the old middle-finger “Fuck You”. Instinctively I must have reacted with a “What-The???” facial expression, because right at that moment the waitress turned around, saw the look on my face and started justifying herself. She seemed embarrassed. She also seemed really hot, and sweet. Something I’m encountering more and more these days.

“He just said ‘bend over lady and take it up the ass you little slut’. Arsehole!!!”

“Um… Right. I see.”, I replied as I kept walking past

“Yeah, he was really disgusting to say that”

“Yeah… totally inappropriate.”, as I kept walking off into the distance.

She kept talking to me as I walked off, even though I was several metres away with my back to her by now. Justifying why she’d made the rude gesture that she hadn’t expected anyone else to see. Hang on, I thought. She seems nice. So I doubled back.

“Hey. Obscene gestures not withstanding, you seem kinda nice. Would you like to grab a coffee after you finish up here tonight?”

“Thanks, but to be honest, I’m really exhausted. Sorry.”

I’m learning not to give up at the first sign of rejection, so…

“Ok, how about another time? I’m from out of town and don’t know anyone here.”

“Um, yeah. I’ve just got back from England and don’t know anyone either, so yes… coffee would be fun.”

“Great. What’s your name?”

“Sally.”

“I’m Graham. Nice to meet you”

She shook my hand while holding a half-full glass of coke, which I ended up wearing.

“Don’t worry… Give me your number.”, I said

(Gets her number, puts it into phone)

“I’ll SMS you mine, and give you a call. Have a great evening!”, I said

“Thanks, bye!”

So I carried on to the Irish pub, with Sally’s number safely stashed in my phone. Somehow this gave me even more confidence. Not only had my evening been a success because I’d met my objective of saying “Hi” to one person, I’d had the guts to approach a group of people and start a conversation with them; and I now had a hot girl’s phone number as icing on the cake. I hadn’t even planned to get any numbers that night; it was my first attempt at this.

In the Irish pub I just walked up to people and introduced myself. Only about 50% of people responded like they wanted to talk to me, but that was enough to have a few conversations. Again, if they didn’t want to talk to me, I didn’t sit there ruminating or analysing myself negatively… I just said hello to someone else. Or listened to the band.

As I walked out, a very cute looking girl was sitting by herself outside, so I sauntered over, sat down next to her and said “hello”. Initially she was facing away from me, but as we talked, her body language gradually became more accommodating. She was waiting for a guy who turned up after a few minutes, and we talked about something to do with friendships. Some of her friends were bumming her out.

“I only hang out with quality people”, I said at one point.

It was in context at the time, but it even surprised me when I said it. No idea where that came from.

“I wish I could say that”, she replied.

“Hell, why not? It’s your life isn’t it?”

It’s amazing how what we say frames the way the world responds to us. Say you only hang out with quality people… and what do you know, before long you discover that’s true.

I went home on a high. I had a successful evening, and ended up with a phone number as a bonus. Some people were friendly to me, some were not. But when they were not, I didn’t indulge in the old self-deprecation rubbish I used to go on with. I discovered I’m able to let other people respond to me the way they do, without me having to get all stressed about it.

I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to approach anyone if I hadn’t been inspired by reading The Art Of Approaching. If you haven’t read it yet, get it now. It’s truly excellent.

2010 is going to be a very good year.