We headed for dinner at Blackbird, a classy bar/cafe at Darling Harbour, the place to be in Sydney on a Saturday night. I sat opposite Carol, and next to her friend Jenni, who seemed like quite a live wire. Jenni was quite attractive, but seemed a little stand-offish and obtuse, so I started joking around with her and teasing her a bit, while also chatting with Carol. At one stage Jenni started complaining about running out of cigarettes, and asked “Do you know where to get cigarettes around here?”

“No, I don’t. Are you a smoker?”

“Yeah, and I’m out of cigarettes. I want to get some cigarettes!!!”, she protested

“Oh. I hate smokers.”, I countered.

Jenni was a bit taken aback at this. But the truth is that I do hate smokers. Or more specifically, I hate it when people are smoking. Carol and Jenni both looked at me awkwardly.

“What do you mean you hate smokers???”

“Well, I only hate them when they’re smoking. When you’re not smoking, you’re not a smoker”.

We joked about how none of us could be friends then, as I continued to tease them about smoking. It turned out that Carol had the occasional cigarette too; so occasional in fact, that it took her over a month to get through a pack. So I teased her about that too. One of the interesting things I’ve learned about people is that they respect you more when you have a strong point of view, than when you have a weak one. Even if that point is very different to their own, or even somewhat negative towards them! Saying I hated smokers risked alienating the girls, but when I didn’t back down just because they didn’t like that, it actually laid the foundation for greater respect.

“Gee… you obviously don’t care about what other people think of you!”, Carol remarked with obvious admiration. I took this as a huge compliment. Getting over the fear of what other people think has been a huge thing for me, and one of the most liberating things I’ve done. It’s also been a key ingredient in getting along better with women. I remarked that I’d been working hard on that, and thanked her for the compliment.

Jenni wandered off after a while with one of the other girls in search of a cigarette vending machine. While things were quiet, I chatted with Terry, the other mutual friend guy who was down the other end of the table. Terry seemed quite shy and reserved around the girls; a typical Nice Guy. It turned out that Terry was studying Civil Engineering at university. He seemed like a really lovely guy, but like a lot of engineers I know, didn’t come across as all that interesting or engaging if you weren’t into technical stuff. After we’d had a bit of a chat Carol, who knows I used to be an engineer, leaned over on the quiet and asked “Did you used to be like that once?”

“Yeah… I did”, I remarked, as I thought about how far I’ve come with my social skills and general self-confidence.

Eventually Jenni came back, empty-handed and irritable. I teased her about having nicotine withdrawal symptoms… getting the shakes and everything. Later in the evening, she launched into a tirade about how you had to wait for everything in Sydney: we had to wait for a table, they had to wait for a cab, she had to wait for her cigarettes. Jenni was starting to sound decidedly high-maintenance, and in my mind her good looks didn’t qualify as an excuse for that kind of thing… so she was in for some more teasing. Ironically, by the end of the evening, we were all waiting for Jenni to finish her drink before we could go dancing. More teasing ensued. At one point, it seemed as though Jenni was just too much like hard work even to engage in conversation. I was starting to get the vibe that either she didn’t like me, or she was just plain difficult to get on with, when she said something quite funny.

“You’re fun!”, I remarked intuitively, just like I’ve been learning to do in my acting practise exercises.

“Huh? What do you mean by that?”, she said guardedly, clearly thinking I was being sarcastic.

“I mean that you’re fun. I’m not being sarcastic.”

“Oh…”, she follows with a thinking pause.

“He’s a cool guy.”, Jenni says to Carol. Evidently I’d passed the test… without even trying. In fact, I’m learning that this is the best way to pass a woman’s test: don’t try! Jenni, on the other hand, was still looking decidedly high-maintenance, so although I thought she’d be fun to hang out with, she hadn’t passed my test. With her drink finally finished, we headed off to a nightclub.

Once in the nightclub, we all grabbed a seat in the corner and started chatting. It was the only available seat, and was awkwardly positioned in a corner right next to the dance floor. At first I felt uncomfortable being isolated from everyone else in the club; but that’s not how things ended up. While the other girls were up dancing, Carol and I chatted. It turned out that she was an ex-motorcycle-rider, having had 3 bikes. She gave it up after writing off her third one. Interesting story. I’d also had a motorbike, so we had a common interest to chat about. She’d made a remark over dinner indicating that she wouldn’t mind me making a move on her. So when the others were up dancing, I put my arm around her and went in for a kiss. I’m not the kind to kiss and tell, but that wasn’t the end of our evening together. Suffice to say that we both had a very enjoyable time together, and I consider this another successful feel-good evening all round.

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I hit the town last night with John, another guy from the upcoming bootcamp. Our pre-bootcamp assignment is to approach as many women as we can. We only just met up last night for the first time, and it was awesome having a wingman who is on the same wavelength as I am.

Together we hit a club in the city, starting nice and early so we had no trouble getting into one of the classier venues. Then we started approaching! We got a bit competitive about it, and all up I did about 8 approaches in the evening, while John did about 6. He’ll have to make it up to me next week.

The friendliest girls I met happened to have boyfriends/fiancée’s, but some were super-encouraging. One of them thought it was awesome what I was doing to learn to engage strangers in conversation. She knew what I was up to; reality is that when we first start doing something, we’re not going to be brilliant at it, and that’ll show. But we ended up in a really enjoyable conversation that was fun for both of us. Almost everyone I approached that night was up for at least a brief chat, and as the evening wore on it gradually got easier. There are some good people out there, and it’s worth taking the time to learn how to approach them.

I have about another month till the actual bootcamp evening, so in the mean time there will be lots more opportunities to do more approach practice, and gradually lessen the old approach anxiety.

Related posts:

1. Getting a Dating Coach
2. Learning How to Approach Women

This is one of the biggest issues I’ve struggled with in my life, arising as a chronic fear of what other people thought. As a result, in the past I always dressed conservatively and had a conservative hairstyle. This was dreadful as far as attracting and relating to women went.

A big breakthrough for me came a couple of years ago when a stage production I was in gave me an excuse to dye my hair blonde. Getting over the fear of what other people would think and say when I showed up with blonde hair was a big step for me at the time. And the more I’ve gone down the path of overcoming self-consciousness, the more I’ve found women both comfortable around me, and attracted to me.

Last month I decided to quit shaving and grow a beard. Never done that before. Hey, why not? Some people like it, some people don’t like it. One girl friend said it made me look more manly because I have a boyish face. Another didn’t want to kiss me and said I should get rid of it.

It turns out that whatever you do, some people will approve and some will not. Freedom comes when we get over needing the approval of the nay-sayers and just do what comes naturally. The way to get over this is to try something new as an experiment, and then find we can deal with the people who tell us they don’t like it. Something like going blonde, growing a beard, or shaving your head is the easiest way I know to make a sudden shift in our perspective, without going through hours of therapy, meditation or reading heaps of self-help books; good though all that stuff is.

The Leukaemia Foundation are currently holding a fundraising event called The World’s Greatest Shave which is the perfect excuse for shaving your head for the first time. I’ve signed up, and I recommend that you join my team by clicking here. Women are always saying that they like a guy with “confidence”, but often we struggle to work out how to get it. This is the easiest confidence-booster I know, and I’ve tried a lot of things! It’s fun, and you’re bound to have a breakthrough or two when you do something you wouldn’t normally, and the women of the world start seeing you in a new light.

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Hey Graham,

It is absolutely wonderful to hear from you Graham. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you but the last few weeks have been hectic to say the least. I have been busy but not quite as busy as you by the sounds of things. Great to hear that the book is still selling. I have some news for you too. I took your example and I invested in some cd’s from David DeAngelo. My personal favourite is Cocky Comedy. I think that is what it is called. Anyway no sooner had I started to use his techniques before I hooked an absolute beauty. I am blown away by how well the system works. Anyway this one is a keeper.

Her name is Natasha, she is 24, brown eyes and jet black hair. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous. She was out here back packing around Australia. She is living in Romania at the moment and originally from Russia. As soon as I get some time off work I am going to visit her in Bucharest. You know what Graham, I think that I am in love. Lust definitely! Love maybe? She makes me feel so young and old at the same time but in a good way. Anyway if it all goes well in Bucharest, I am going to ask her to come back to Australia to live with me.

If it had not been for you Graham and your book and your fine examples and inspiration, I would never have had the courage to approach Natasha, let alone talk to her, chat her up and eventually ask her out. When I used the cocky comedy methods it felt that I was insulting her and her friends but to my amazement it all worked. I had them on the edge of their seats, eating out of my hand and now we have been dating for over three months. Here I was a 38 year old guy, over weight, out of shape and fat. A now I am dating the equivalent of a super model, in my opinion anyway.

What you said in your article about the nice guy attitude is all true. That was who I was, but not anymore. I would have been there asking these girls out and all I would have wanted to do was to please them and make them happy. You are right Graham, it does not work. It only pisses them off. For now everything seems to be going very well for me, thanks in part to you, my friend.

[personal stuff deleted]

May this email find you in good health. I am sorry that the email is so long. I hope that I will be able to help you someday as much as you have helped me Graham. Thanks again Graham.

Cheers mate,

Bradley

Wow. I was totally blown away by this. Completely unsolicited and real. This stuff is powerful and changes people’s lives. Getting feedback like this is what makes all the hard work of writing, publishing and promoting my book on the topic worthwhile.

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