Dating and Attracting Women

Want to know how to attract women easily and naturally? Here’s a presentation/interview between myself and Shelley Weitenberg of Empower Your Life Club, talking about how to develop the attraction and dating skills you need to do just that:

There’s something about reaching a critical mass of success with women, after which a man feels like he’s not even trying any more. Tonight I would up having dinner with Steph from my acting class; she’s smart, very attractive, and really lovely. A pleasure to share a meal with. When I got home, I found I’d left my laptop on all day, and as I went to close it I found Ruth and Liz wanting to talk to me. Oh and another email from Jenny. I don’t have time to follow them all up this week, and I’ll be out practising more approaches this weekend with my wing man, so things are only going to hot up. Meanwhile Gina from my acting class has totally fallen for me. We did an exercise in class today, and she was sooooo excited that we got to the end of it. But I could tell from the sparkle in her eye that it was more than just the exercise she was excited about. All this female attention can only help boost a man’s confidence!

Today’s success: my ex-neighbour Jenny (tall, sophisticated, and very intelligent) just emailed me to ask me out to the movies. Not a bad week, given that on Wednesday Janice asked me out for coffee, and last night Alice made me promise on the phone to go out for some live music with her.

When was the last time a girl asked you out? Don’t just sit there wallowing, do something about it!

I’m also really stoked that my friend Amelia from my acting class has got a role in a new TV show! Congratulations Amelia!!! xxx

The reason that we don’t have the success with women that we would like all comes down to the way we behave, and this behavior is ultimately driven by our conscious and unconscious beliefs. Emotions play a big role too, and these are linked to our unconscious beliefs.

Beliefs that inhibit us from having what we want are termed limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs get learned through our experiences of life, and become built deep into our subconscious. They shape our default response to the world. Once any belief is acquired, our subconscious makes an automatic connection between what we observe in the world and the beliefs that we have, which makes these beliefs self-reinforcing.

We selectively gather evidence that supports our existing beliefs, strengthening them in the process; even if they aren’t in our best interests. In some cases a limiting belief was in our best interests in the past, but is no longer working for us; in others, someone else has taught us a limiting belief in the past because it suited their agenda, and we took it on because we didn’t know any better. Once internalized, we started collecting evidence to prove it true for ourselves.

Before we can address our limiting behavior, we need to change or at least reduce the emotional impact of our limiting beliefs. Otherwise we keep doing what we’ve always done, and keep getting the same results we’ve always got.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) has a collection of tools and techniques for changing the way we think by shifting our underlying beliefs and thought habits to be more constructive and less constraining. Changing limiting beliefs so that they no longer have such a strong hold over us is referred to as reframing. But before we change or challenge our limiting beliefs via reframing, we need to identify what those beliefs are.

For example, here are some lists of my own present and past limiting beliefs, which have stopped me experiencing the success with women and dating that I would like:

Limiting beliefs about Myself

• I can’t be happy unless other people understand and accept me.
• I need other people’s approval to feel OK about myself.
• I just don’t get over emotional hurts.
• It’s wrong for me to want an attractive partner; I should just take what I can get.
• If I got a woman pregnant by accident, I wouldn’t cope.
• Other guys are more attractive and interesting to women than me.
• Beautiful women aren’t interested in me.

Limiting beliefs about Other People and Our Interactions

• If I’m honest with people, I will offend them.
• If I offend someone, they won’t like me.
• It’s always terribly bad to hurt another person’s feelings.

Limiting beliefs about Women

• All women are as judgmental and critical as my mother.
• You can have either brains or beauty, but not both.
• Women are offended easily.
• Teasing hurts adult women’s feelings.

Limiting beliefs about Dating, Flirting and Seduction

• Flirting is bad. It’s leading someone on unfairly.
• Seduction is evil and wrong.
• Sex outside marriage is wrong, even when it’s consensual.
• Women don’t want to be seduced.

Limiting beliefs about Approaching Women

• If I approach a woman without her initiating it, I’m bothering her.
• Women don’t want me to bother them.
• If I annoy a woman by approaching her, she won’t like me and I’ll feel terrible.
• When a woman rejects my approach, it means there’s something wrong with me.
• If one woman rejects me, all will reject me.

Imagine walking around with that lot in your subconscious! Little wonder it took me a long time to start being successful with women. Many of these beliefs turn out to be the exact opposite of reality. But we learn them early on, and then just keep acting as though they’re true. Because we never act otherwise, we never get to experience their invalidation.

Here’s a great example:

• People won’t like me unless I try hard to act polite and nice all the time

In fact, if I act polite and nice all the time, most people will become bored with me very quickly, and many will end up resentful that I’m not straight with them and don’t speak my mind when required. Women are actually more likely to end up liking me if I’m straight with them than if I’m polite and nice all the time; even though there’s a risk that I may offend them sometimes.

The way to deal with limiting beliefs is to reframe them by looking at them from a different perspective, and then to act based on the new belief. After a while, we start getting validation to reinforce the new, more constructive belief instead of the old limiting one… and our default behavior changes as we start getting more positive results.

I remember when I first started learning to flirt with women by playful teasing, I was amazed at the way they responded. I had no idea that women love being teased, because I had limiting beliefs from my childhood that teasing always hurt people’s feelings, and that flirting was bad and wrong. So I never had experiences with women that would show me any differently. Once I started flirting with women, I had new experiences which reinforced my new belief that flirting is fun, and that women are playful and fun to get to know; instead of terrifying.

Breaking Chains Of Belief

Sometimes there is a chain of beliefs that run together, any of which could be reframed to break the negative cycle:

• If I approach an attractive woman, I’ll get really nervous.
• When I get really nervous I won’t know what to say
• If I don’t know what to say I’ll feel awkward and bad
• Feeling bad is intolerable

Or

• If I don’t know what to say, she’ll think I’m stupid

• If someone else thinks I’m stupid, then I must be stupid
• The worst thing in the world a man can be is stupid

Or

• I need to be right all the time, or people will think I’m stupid
• If people think I’m stupid, they won’t love me
• If people don’t love me, I’ll either die, or live miserably

We only need to reframe or break one of these connections for the chain to lose it’s grip on us. We are all driven by a deep desire to be loved. Deep down we don’t really care if people think we’re stupid or not; we just care about whether they love us. So if I reframed “If people think I’m stupid, they won’t love me”, then it no longer matters whether someone else thinks I’m stupid, or indeed whether I am in fact stupid. People will love me anyway. It becomes irrelevant because the thought of being stupid no longer makes me feel unlovable and bad.

Or another example:

• If I get something wrong, I’ll feel really embarrassed
• If I feel really embarrassed about something, I will get a terribly bad feeling
• Terribly bad feelings last indefinitely

Here, you could challenge the belief that getting something wrong is embarrassing, or that being embarrassed gives you terribly bad feelings, or that bad feelings last indefinitely. What if getting something wrong wasn’t embarrassing? Or what if being embarrassed just felt mildly unpleasant? Or what if terrible feelings passed so quickly that they were of no concern? Any of these alternatives diminishes the power of the chain of limiting beliefs.

Reframing Techniques

Here are some more suggestions on how to reframe other limiting beliefs:

• Look for counter-examples and evidence that contradicts the belief
• Consider other possible explanations
• Make it about them, not you
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes; get their perspective
• Break it down into a chain of beliefs, and find the flawed link(s)

It takes some effort to reframe limiting beliefs so that we can begin acting differently, getting different results, and coming to more positive conclusions about ourselves and the world around us. But it’s worth it. Then we begin to gather real-world evidence to continue undermining the limiting belief. Once past a certain tipping point, the new belief becomes self-reinforcing instead of the old, and the success we’ve always hoped for starts flowing our way.

I got this email from my friend Bradley yesterday, and was so blown away that I just had to share it with you. I do so with his permission, and with only minor edits to maintain our privacy. I have had such a positive impact on his life, he’s told me he’d do just about anything for me:

Hey Graham,

It is absolutely wonderful to hear from you Graham. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you but the last few weeks have been hectic to say the least. I have been busy but not quite as busy as you by the sounds of things. Great to hear that the book is still selling. I have some news for you too. I took your example and I invested in some cd’s from David DeAngelo. My personal favourite is Cocky Comedy. I think that is what it is called. Anyway no sooner had I started to use his techniques before I hooked an absolute beauty. I am blown away by how well the system works. Anyway this one is a keeper.

Her name is Natasha, she is 24, brown eyes and jet black hair. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous. She was out here back packing around Australia. She is living in Romania at the moment and originally from Russia. As soon as I get some time off work I am going to visit her in Bucharest. You know what Graham, I think that I am in love. Lust definitely! Love maybe? She makes me feel so young and old at the same time but in a good way. Anyway if it all goes well in Bucharest, I am going to ask her to come back to Australia to live with me.

If it had not been for you Graham and your book and your fine examples and inspiration, I would never have had the courage to approach Natasha, let alone talk to her, chat her up and eventually ask her out. When I used the cocky comedy methods it felt that I was insulting her and her friends but to my amazement it all worked. I had them on the edge of their seats, eating out of my hand and now we have been dating for over three months. Here I was a 38 year old guy, over weight, out of shape and fat. A now I am dating the equivalent of a super model, in my opinion anyway.

What you said in your article about the nice guy attitude is all true. That was who I was, but not anymore. I would have been there asking these girls out and all I would have wanted to do was to please them and make them happy. You are right Graham, it does not work. It only pisses them off. For now everything seems to be going very well for me, thanks in part to you, my friend.

[personal stuff deleted]

May this email find you in good health. I am sorry that the email is so long. I hope that I will be able to help you someday as much as you have helped me Graham. Thanks again Graham.

Cheers mate,

Bradley

Wow. I was totally blown away by this. Completely unsolicited and real. This stuff is powerful and changes people’s lives. Getting feedback like this is what makes all the hard work of writing, publishing and promoting my book on the topic worthwhile.

I recently decided to get more pro-active about getting out there and meeting women, so I thought I’d give Speed Dating a try.

This is where you front up to an organized gathering of other singles, and have a few minutes with each woman to assess whether you’d like to get to know them better. At the end of the evening, you fill in a card saying whether you’d like to exchange contact details with each person you’ve spoken to. If both of you tick the “yes” box to each other, the host sends you each others contact details.

Speed Dating turns out to be really fun! There were some really great people at the event I went to, and I spent the evening joking around, chatting away, and having a great time. I’m not the world’s most out-going guy, which is why my book is about attracting women, not approaching them. I’m still learning when it comes to flirting. So I was wondering whether I’d enjoy it or not; but it was way less stressful and more fun that I thought it would be. In fact, I’d really recommend Speed Dating to anyone interested in meeting some new people in a relaxed, casual atmosphere.

So here are my tips when it comes to being successful at speed dating:

• Don’t take it too seriously! You’re there to have fun. When you’re having fun, you’re much more interesting, approachable and attractive than when you’re stressed out.

• Grab a drink as you arrive; but not more than one. You want to be relaxed, not tipsy. The women there  have paid money and given up their time to meet real you; not inebriated you.

• Arrive a little early to give yourself some time to warm up before the main action starts. Pick a woman that you think you are likely to be able to chat to without finding her intimidating, and initiate a conversation with her with the aim of simply making her laugh. All the women at speed dating are there specifically to meet guys so you are guaranteed of a positive reception. The purpose of this conversation is to get your social juices flowing, let any initial nervousness subside, and experience feeling good about meeting women.
  If you feel intimidated by the hottest girl in the room’s looks, warm up with the less appealing prospects instead and get in a good mood so you can be your relaxed, friendly, approachable self when you rotate to the hot girl during the business part of the evening.

• Joke around about it. Let’s face it: Speed Dating is an artificial construct. You don’t normally meet people in such a structured environment. There isn’t usually a guy with a bell walking around telling you that your time is up. I made jokes about the previous guy (who always seemed to take too long when told to move), the woman’s profession, the notes I was taking, and the whole situation we were in.

• Aim to make the girls laugh. Women love guys with a sense of humor. They love guys who can make them laugh. Go in with the intention that you’ve got 5 minutes to make her laugh. This takes the stress off you trying to impress her with your great job, big bank account and wonderful personality; all of which may or may not actually be the assets that stack up in her eyes anyway.

• Have a couple of fun, interesting questions up your sleeve. I went with asking which Flintstones character they thought would make the best partner (Fred or Barney), and which wife they related to most strongly (Wilma or Betty). Then I got into a discussion about their characters: Fred the workaholic, Barney the easy-going cool guy, Wilma the dominant woman, Betty the sweet naive girl.
  The women who went along with the question seemed like fun people to get to know better; the one who declined to answer even after I teased her about it wasn’t so appealing to me. You can ask just about anything interesting and off-the-wall; it’s not the answer they give, but the way they respond that gives you insights into them. Are they fun and spontaneous, or judgemental and fearful of anything that’s a bit out-there?

• Don’t ask what they do for a living. Snap judgements based on a person’s stereotyped career aren’t helpful in actually getting to know someone; and when you have such limited time, all you can really do is get a sense of whether this is someone you’d enjoy hanging out with or not. Knowing that they’re an accountant or lawyer doesn’t help. When they told me what they did anyway, I generally teased them about it and changed the subject. “Hey, you don’t need to be ashamed about working for a bank you know! Really.” Smirk. Who wants to talk about work on a weekend anyway? At the end of one conversation which we both laughed the whole way through, the girl said “Hang on… I still don’t know what you do!!!”. Perfect. A little mystique never goes astray.

• Worry about who you want to contact later. Stay relaxed, take notes as you go around so you don’t forget who is who, and fill in the contact card later. Of course taking notes about people is unnatural, so that’s just another thing to joke about. “Right, I’m writing down ‘Stalker. No sense of humor’” got them laughing every time.

• Pre-arrange to meet up with an existing female friend for drinks later the same evening. Knowing that you have other options makes you more appealing, and subconsciously takes the pressure off you to “hook up”.

I used to be skeptical that a few minutes was long enough to get to know someone well enough to really know whether you liked them. But it can give you a feel for whether you want to spend more time finding out. I certainly felt that there were some people I clicked with more readily than others, and these turned out to be the people who I was most interested in contacting later… and sure enough, they also said they wanted to contact me.

Everyone at Speed Dating is there because they want to meet someone, but I suggest you simply to go with the intention of having fun instead of hooking up. This takes the pressure off you, and sets you up for a great evening. There were some women who I totally didn’t click with, others who I clicked with but didn’t find particularly attractive, and others who both clicked with and found attractive.

When the results came through, it was those in the latter group who I had mutual matches with. I was very happy to find that the two most engaging, attractive women in the room both wanted to meet up with me. So that’s a success in my mind. Now I just have to get back to them by email…

Visit SpeedDatingSites.com to find Speed Dating Groups, Singles Events and Activities in Your City.