So I wander up to say “hello”, and one of the girls in the pair says: “So, you’re the guy that’s robotic, yeah?”. It was a reference to a question I asked earlier in the workshop about how to be authentic expressing emotion when you’re not a naturally emotionally expressive person. I explained to the girls that I’d had some feedback about this from my acting class, and that other people had compared me to Elliot Goblet, an Aussie comic with a very deadpan delivery. Something I didn’t consider a compliment at the time!

Then during our chat she had another go at me! Right… game on! I started teasing her mercilessly: “Just because you get to district level in the International Speech contest is no excuse to treat your fellow Toastmasters like dirt, you know! I’m not talking to you any more.”. By this stage she was doubled over with laughter, as I continued talking to her friend giving her an overly-dramatic cold-shoulder.

Her friend asked me a question about something. My reply: “I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I’m still too upset about what your friend here just said to me. What was that again?”

Then I started playfully excluding teasing-girl from the rest of the conversation, while still throwing teasing side-comments her way. She was in hysterics. And a lot of fun. I love this whole flirting thing!

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1. Chatting Up A Hot German Girl At The Train Station
2. I’m a “cool guy” who doesn’t care about what other people think!

Not any more though! Today I headed out to catch up over lunch with Janice, a gorgeous intuitive girl from my acting class. While waiting for Janice, I found myself casually gazing down the street, straight past a very pretty blonde girl. She thought I was making eye contact with her, and wandered over to talk to me! I think the fact that I wasn’t actually trying to make eye contact with her, combined with the fact that I was waiting for another woman, made me particularly relaxed and approachable.

Her name turned out to be Gloria. “As in Gloria Jean’s”, she said.

“Well that’s amazing Gloria, because we’re both wearing jeans. What a co-incidence!”, I joked lamely. And it got lamer! My usual brain fart kicked in, and I immediately forgot her name… even though I had only just made a joke about it.

“What was your name again?”

“Gloria.”

“Oh yeah… I was just making a joke about that, wasn’t I?”

It’s amazing what you can get away with if you’re not fazed by stuffing something up in a conversation with a woman. I think I actually laughed at my own lameness at this point. Then I kept joking with her, teasing her about  her accent:

“You’re obviously an aussie who’s trying to put on some sort of fake German accent.”

She took the bait and ran with it.

“Yeah, I’m planning to have a baaar-by with some of my maaates!”, she mimicked.

“Fair dinkum.”

“I can’t believe it!”, she said, “You’re the first person to spot that I’m German!!! Usually people think my accent is Swiss or Swedish or something, probably because of my blonde hair.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because your attempt at a German accent isn’t actually very good. But if you keep practising, I’m sure you’ll get it down pat.”, I teased.

She loved it, just kept on flirting with me. Around about then, Janice arrived. I introduced them, and we chatted briefly before Janice and I headed off to a great deep-and-meaningful over lunch. I love women that are more than just a pretty face; that have depth and substance. She has a boyfriend, but I’m really glad we’ve become friends because she’s an awesome person.

This encounter highlighted how much more approachable I am when I’m relaxed. It’s easy to relax when I’m not expecting anything, and especially easy to relax around a woman I’ve just met, when I know there’s another waiting for me. That way there’s no pressure, either on me, or on my newfound female friend. In hindsight, I should have asked for Gloria’s number, and I probably didn’t do that because I was worried what Janice would think. That’s my next hurdle to get over; but all-round it was a successful impromptu interaction.

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We headed for dinner at Blackbird, a classy bar/cafe at Darling Harbour, the place to be in Sydney on a Saturday night. I sat opposite Carol, and next to her friend Jenni, who seemed like quite a live wire. Jenni was quite attractive, but seemed a little stand-offish and obtuse, so I started joking around with her and teasing her a bit, while also chatting with Carol. At one stage Jenni started complaining about running out of cigarettes, and asked “Do you know where to get cigarettes around here?”

“No, I don’t. Are you a smoker?”

“Yeah, and I’m out of cigarettes. I want to get some cigarettes!!!”, she protested

“Oh. I hate smokers.”, I countered.

Jenni was a bit taken aback at this. But the truth is that I do hate smokers. Or more specifically, I hate it when people are smoking. Carol and Jenni both looked at me awkwardly.

“What do you mean you hate smokers???”

“Well, I only hate them when they’re smoking. When you’re not smoking, you’re not a smoker”.

We joked about how none of us could be friends then, as I continued to tease them about smoking. It turned out that Carol had the occasional cigarette too; so occasional in fact, that it took her over a month to get through a pack. So I teased her about that too. One of the interesting things I’ve learned about people is that they respect you more when you have a strong point of view, than when you have a weak one. Even if that point is very different to their own, or even somewhat negative towards them! Saying I hated smokers risked alienating the girls, but when I didn’t back down just because they didn’t like that, it actually laid the foundation for greater respect.

“Gee… you obviously don’t care about what other people think of you!”, Carol remarked with obvious admiration. I took this as a huge compliment. Getting over the fear of what other people think has been a huge thing for me, and one of the most liberating things I’ve done. It’s also been a key ingredient in getting along better with women. I remarked that I’d been working hard on that, and thanked her for the compliment.

Jenni wandered off after a while with one of the other girls in search of a cigarette vending machine. While things were quiet, I chatted with Terry, the other mutual friend guy who was down the other end of the table. Terry seemed quite shy and reserved around the girls; a typical Nice Guy. It turned out that Terry was studying Civil Engineering at university. He seemed like a really lovely guy, but like a lot of engineers I know, didn’t come across as all that interesting or engaging if you weren’t into technical stuff. After we’d had a bit of a chat Carol, who knows I used to be an engineer, leaned over on the quiet and asked “Did you used to be like that once?”

“Yeah… I did”, I remarked, as I thought about how far I’ve come with my social skills and general self-confidence.

Eventually Jenni came back, empty-handed and irritable. I teased her about having nicotine withdrawal symptoms… getting the shakes and everything. Later in the evening, she launched into a tirade about how you had to wait for everything in Sydney: we had to wait for a table, they had to wait for a cab, she had to wait for her cigarettes. Jenni was starting to sound decidedly high-maintenance, and in my mind her good looks didn’t qualify as an excuse for that kind of thing… so she was in for some more teasing. Ironically, by the end of the evening, we were all waiting for Jenni to finish her drink before we could go dancing. More teasing ensued. At one point, it seemed as though Jenni was just too much like hard work even to engage in conversation. I was starting to get the vibe that either she didn’t like me, or she was just plain difficult to get on with, when she said something quite funny.

“You’re fun!”, I remarked intuitively, just like I’ve been learning to do in my acting practise exercises.

“Huh? What do you mean by that?”, she said guardedly, clearly thinking I was being sarcastic.

“I mean that you’re fun. I’m not being sarcastic.”

“Oh…”, she follows with a thinking pause.

“He’s a cool guy.”, Jenni says to Carol. Evidently I’d passed the test… without even trying. In fact, I’m learning that this is the best way to pass a woman’s test: don’t try! Jenni, on the other hand, was still looking decidedly high-maintenance, so although I thought she’d be fun to hang out with, she hadn’t passed my test. With her drink finally finished, we headed off to a nightclub.

Once in the nightclub, we all grabbed a seat in the corner and started chatting. It was the only available seat, and was awkwardly positioned in a corner right next to the dance floor. At first I felt uncomfortable being isolated from everyone else in the club; but that’s not how things ended up. While the other girls were up dancing, Carol and I chatted. It turned out that she was an ex-motorcycle-rider, having had 3 bikes. She gave it up after writing off her third one. Interesting story. I’d also had a motorbike, so we had a common interest to chat about. She’d made a remark over dinner indicating that she wouldn’t mind me making a move on her. So when the others were up dancing, I put my arm around her and went in for a kiss. I’m not the kind to kiss and tell, but that wasn’t the end of our evening together. Suffice to say that we both had a very enjoyable time together, and I consider this another successful feel-good evening all round.

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Beliefs that inhibit us from having what we want are termed limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs get learned through our experiences of life, and become built deep into our subconscious. They shape our default response to the world. Once any belief is acquired, our subconscious makes an automatic connection between what we observe in the world and the beliefs that we have, which makes these beliefs self-reinforcing.

We selectively gather evidence that supports our existing beliefs, strengthening them in the process; even if they aren’t in our best interests. In some cases a limiting belief was in our best interests in the past, but is no longer working for us; in others, someone else has taught us a limiting belief in the past because it suited their agenda, and we took it on because we didn’t know any better. Once internalized, we started collecting evidence to prove it true for ourselves.

Before we can address our limiting behavior, we need to change or at least reduce the emotional impact of our limiting beliefs. Otherwise we keep doing what we’ve always done, and keep getting the same results we’ve always got.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) has a collection of tools and techniques for changing the way we think by shifting our underlying beliefs and thought habits to be more constructive and less constraining. Changing limiting beliefs so that they no longer have such a strong hold over us is referred to as reframing. But before we change or challenge our limiting beliefs via reframing, we need to identify what those beliefs are.

For example, here are some lists of my own present and past limiting beliefs, which have stopped me experiencing the success with women and dating that I would like:

Limiting beliefs about Myself

• I can’t be happy unless other people understand and accept me.
• I need other people’s approval to feel OK about myself.
• I just don’t get over emotional hurts.
• It’s wrong for me to want an attractive partner; I should just take what I can get.
• If I got a woman pregnant by accident, I wouldn’t cope.
• Other guys are more attractive and interesting to women than me.
• Beautiful women aren’t interested in me.

Limiting beliefs about Other People and Our Interactions

• If I’m honest with people, I will offend them.
• If I offend someone, they won’t like me.
• It’s always terribly bad to hurt another person’s feelings.

Limiting beliefs about Women

• All women are as judgmental and critical as my mother.
• You can have either brains or beauty, but not both.
• Women are offended easily.
• Teasing hurts adult women’s feelings.

Limiting beliefs about Dating, Flirting and Seduction

• Flirting is bad. It’s leading someone on unfairly.
• Seduction is evil and wrong.
• Sex outside marriage is wrong, even when it’s consensual.
• Women don’t want to be seduced.

Limiting beliefs about Approaching Women

• If I approach a woman without her initiating it, I’m bothering her.
• Women don’t want me to bother them.
• If I annoy a woman by approaching her, she won’t like me and I’ll feel terrible.
• When a woman rejects my approach, it means there’s something wrong with me.
• If one woman rejects me, all will reject me.

Imagine walking around with that lot in your subconscious! Little wonder it took me a long time to start being successful with women. Many of these beliefs turn out to be the exact opposite of reality. But we learn them early on, and then just keep acting as though they’re true. Because we never act otherwise, we never get to experience their invalidation.

Here’s a great example:

• People won’t like me unless I try hard to act polite and nice all the time

In fact, if I act polite and nice all the time, most people will become bored with me very quickly, and many will end up resentful that I’m not straight with them and don’t speak my mind when required. Women are actually more likely to end up liking me if I’m straight with them than if I’m polite and nice all the time; even though there’s a risk that I may offend them sometimes.

The way to deal with limiting beliefs is to reframe them by looking at them from a different perspective, and then to act based on the new belief. After a while, we start getting validation to reinforce the new, more constructive belief instead of the old limiting one… and our default behavior changes as we start getting more positive results.

I remember when I first started learning to flirt with women by playful teasing, I was amazed at the way they responded. I had no idea that women love being teased, because I had limiting beliefs from my childhood that teasing always hurt people’s feelings, and that flirting was bad and wrong. So I never had experiences with women that would show me any differently. Once I started flirting with women, I had new experiences which reinforced my new belief that flirting is fun, and that women are playful and fun to get to know; instead of terrifying.

Breaking Chains Of Belief

Sometimes there is a chain of beliefs that run together, any of which could be reframed to break the negative cycle:

• If I approach an attractive woman, I’ll get really nervous.
• When I get really nervous I won’t know what to say
• If I don’t know what to say I’ll feel awkward and bad
• Feeling bad is intolerable

Or

• If I don’t know what to say, she’ll think I’m stupid

• If someone else thinks I’m stupid, then I must be stupid
• The worst thing in the world a man can be is stupid

Or

• I need to be right all the time, or people will think I’m stupid
• If people think I’m stupid, they won’t love me
• If people don’t love me, I’ll either die, or live miserably

We only need to reframe or break one of these connections for the chain to lose it’s grip on us. We are all driven by a deep desire to be loved. Deep down we don’t really care if people think we’re stupid or not; we just care about whether they love us. So if I reframed “If people think I’m stupid, they won’t love me”, then it no longer matters whether someone else thinks I’m stupid, or indeed whether I am in fact stupid. People will love me anyway. It becomes irrelevant because the thought of being stupid no longer makes me feel unlovable and bad.

Or another example:

• If I get something wrong, I’ll feel really embarrassed
• If I feel really embarrassed about something, I will get a terribly bad feeling
• Terribly bad feelings last indefinitely

Here, you could challenge the belief that getting something wrong is embarrassing, or that being embarrassed gives you terribly bad feelings, or that bad feelings last indefinitely. What if getting something wrong wasn’t embarrassing? Or what if being embarrassed just felt mildly unpleasant? Or what if terrible feelings passed so quickly that they were of no concern? Any of these alternatives diminishes the power of the chain of limiting beliefs.

Reframing Techniques

Here are some more suggestions on how to reframe other limiting beliefs:

• Look for counter-examples and evidence that contradicts the belief
• Consider other possible explanations
• Make it about them, not you
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes; get their perspective
• Break it down into a chain of beliefs, and find the flawed link(s)

It takes some effort to reframe limiting beliefs so that we can begin acting differently, getting different results, and coming to more positive conclusions about ourselves and the world around us. But it’s worth it. Then we begin to gather real-world evidence to continue undermining the limiting belief. Once past a certain tipping point, the new belief becomes self-reinforcing instead of the old, and the success we’ve always hoped for starts flowing our way.

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Check out this SlideShare presentation with some great tips on attracting women. It’s even got an audio track so you can sit back and listen to some awesome secrets that will help make you more successful with the ladies:

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Hey Graham,

It is absolutely wonderful to hear from you Graham. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you but the last few weeks have been hectic to say the least. I have been busy but not quite as busy as you by the sounds of things. Great to hear that the book is still selling. I have some news for you too. I took your example and I invested in some cd’s from David DeAngelo. My personal favourite is Cocky Comedy. I think that is what it is called. Anyway no sooner had I started to use his techniques before I hooked an absolute beauty. I am blown away by how well the system works. Anyway this one is a keeper.

Her name is Natasha, she is 24, brown eyes and jet black hair. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous. She was out here back packing around Australia. She is living in Romania at the moment and originally from Russia. As soon as I get some time off work I am going to visit her in Bucharest. You know what Graham, I think that I am in love. Lust definitely! Love maybe? She makes me feel so young and old at the same time but in a good way. Anyway if it all goes well in Bucharest, I am going to ask her to come back to Australia to live with me.

If it had not been for you Graham and your book and your fine examples and inspiration, I would never have had the courage to approach Natasha, let alone talk to her, chat her up and eventually ask her out. When I used the cocky comedy methods it felt that I was insulting her and her friends but to my amazement it all worked. I had them on the edge of their seats, eating out of my hand and now we have been dating for over three months. Here I was a 38 year old guy, over weight, out of shape and fat. A now I am dating the equivalent of a super model, in my opinion anyway.

What you said in your article about the nice guy attitude is all true. That was who I was, but not anymore. I would have been there asking these girls out and all I would have wanted to do was to please them and make them happy. You are right Graham, it does not work. It only pisses them off. For now everything seems to be going very well for me, thanks in part to you, my friend.

[personal stuff deleted]

May this email find you in good health. I am sorry that the email is so long. I hope that I will be able to help you someday as much as you have helped me Graham. Thanks again Graham.

Cheers mate,

Bradley

Wow. I was totally blown away by this. Completely unsolicited and real. This stuff is powerful and changes people’s lives. Getting feedback like this is what makes all the hard work of writing, publishing and promoting my book on the topic worthwhile.

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This is where you front up to an organized gathering of other singles, and have a few minutes with each woman to assess whether you’d like to get to know them better. At the end of the evening, you fill in a card saying whether you’d like to exchange contact details with each person you’ve spoken to. If both of you tick the “yes” box to each other, the host sends you each others contact details.

Speed Dating turns out to be really fun! There were some really great people at the event I went to, and I spent the evening joking around, chatting away, and having a great time. I’m not the world’s most out-going guy, which is why my book is about attracting women, not approaching them. I’m still learning when it comes to flirting. So I was wondering whether I’d enjoy it or not; but it was way less stressful and more fun that I thought it would be. In fact, I’d really recommend Speed Dating to anyone interested in meeting some new people in a relaxed, casual atmosphere.

So here are my tips when it comes to being successful at speed dating:

• Don’t take it too seriously! You’re there to have fun. When you’re having fun, you’re much more interesting, approachable and attractive than when you’re stressed out.

• Grab a drink as you arrive; but not more than one. You want to be relaxed, not tipsy. The women there  have paid money and given up their time to meet real you; not inebriated you.

• Arrive a little early to give yourself some time to warm up before the main action starts. Pick a woman that you think you are likely to be able to chat to without finding her intimidating, and initiate a conversation with her with the aim of simply making her laugh. All the women at speed dating are there specifically to meet guys so you are guaranteed of a positive reception. The purpose of this conversation is to get your social juices flowing, let any initial nervousness subside, and experience feeling good about meeting women.
  If you feel intimidated by the hottest girl in the room’s looks, warm up with the less appealing prospects instead and get in a good mood so you can be your relaxed, friendly, approachable self when you rotate to the hot girl during the business part of the evening.

• Joke around about it. Let’s face it: Speed Dating is an artificial construct. You don’t normally meet people in such a structured environment. There isn’t usually a guy with a bell walking around telling you that your time is up. I made jokes about the previous guy (who always seemed to take too long when told to move), the woman’s profession, the notes I was taking, and the whole situation we were in.

• Aim to make the girls laugh. Women love guys with a sense of humor. They love guys who can make them laugh. Go in with the intention that you’ve got 5 minutes to make her laugh. This takes the stress off you trying to impress her with your great job, big bank account and wonderful personality; all of which may or may not actually be the assets that stack up in her eyes anyway.

• Have a couple of fun, interesting questions up your sleeve. I went with asking which Flintstones character they thought would make the best partner (Fred or Barney), and which wife they related to most strongly (Wilma or Betty). Then I got into a discussion about their characters: Fred the workaholic, Barney the easy-going cool guy, Wilma the dominant woman, Betty the sweet naive girl.
  The women who went along with the question seemed like fun people to get to know better; the one who declined to answer even after I teased her about it wasn’t so appealing to me. You can ask just about anything interesting and off-the-wall; it’s not the answer they give, but the way they respond that gives you insights into them. Are they fun and spontaneous, or judgemental and fearful of anything that’s a bit out-there?

• Don’t ask what they do for a living. Snap judgements based on a person’s stereotyped career aren’t helpful in actually getting to know someone; and when you have such limited time, all you can really do is get a sense of whether this is someone you’d enjoy hanging out with or not. Knowing that they’re an accountant or lawyer doesn’t help. When they told me what they did anyway, I generally teased them about it and changed the subject. “Hey, you don’t need to be ashamed about working for a bank you know! Really.” Smirk. Who wants to talk about work on a weekend anyway? At the end of one conversation which we both laughed the whole way through, the girl said “Hang on… I still don’t know what you do!!!”. Perfect. A little mystique never goes astray.

• Worry about who you want to contact later. Stay relaxed, take notes as you go around so you don’t forget who is who, and fill in the contact card later. Of course taking notes about people is unnatural, so that’s just another thing to joke about. “Right, I’m writing down ‘Stalker. No sense of humor’” got them laughing every time.

• Pre-arrange to meet up with an existing female friend for drinks later the same evening. Knowing that you have other options makes you more appealing, and subconsciously takes the pressure off you to “hook up”.

I used to be skeptical that a few minutes was long enough to get to know someone well enough to really know whether you liked them. But it can give you a feel for whether you want to spend more time finding out. I certainly felt that there were some people I clicked with more readily than others, and these turned out to be the people who I was most interested in contacting later… and sure enough, they also said they wanted to contact me.

Everyone at Speed Dating is there because they want to meet someone, but I suggest you simply to go with the intention of having fun instead of hooking up. This takes the pressure off you, and sets you up for a great evening. There were some women who I totally didn’t click with, others who I clicked with but didn’t find particularly attractive, and others who both clicked with and found attractive.

When the results came through, it was those in the latter group who I had mutual matches with. I was very happy to find that the two most engaging, attractive women in the room both wanted to meet up with me. So that’s a success in my mind. Now I just have to get back to them by email…

Visit SpeedDatingSites.com to find Speed Dating Groups, Singles Events and Activities in Your City.

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Jenny had to leave early to get back to work, but Derrick and I continued on as the topic of the conversation turned increasingly towards every man’s favorite subject: women, dating, attraction and seduction. It turned out that Derrick and I had even more in common than just the family background of dominant mother and ineffective father: a lethal combination when it comes to setting a man up for future interactions with women. We talked about what makes a man attractive to a woman; and what repels them. We talked about the importance of being authentic, and how us “sensitive” guys often learn implicitly to be insincerely inoffensive and “nice” in our interactions with women; and then wonder why we seem to end up powerless- like our fathers were. We talked about flirting, and about how simply realizing earlier this year that it was a good thing to tease women totally transformed the way I relate to them. I told him my cracker story of the 18-year-old with the DD’s, which I’m sure is bound to end up in some future edition of How to Become a Chick Magnet. We talked about the importance of a man being able to dance, if he wants to side-step a lot of the obstacles that us shy guys face when it comes to meeting women and getting up close and personal with them.

Probably the best thing about my conversation with Derrick was reminding myself just how far I’ve come when it comes to attracting and relating to women. I tend not to give myself credit for the amazing progress I’ve made, just because there’s always more to learn, and a new level to reach. Plus I have such high standards that whenever I fall short, I end up feeling like a complete fraud regardless of how much progress I’ve made; and when I’m not feeling authentic, that feels bad to me. Which is why fake pick-up lines feel awkward to me. Other guys might get away with them, but I end up feeling self-conscious unless I’m being “real”. Of course it turns out that the “real” me isn’t the one that’s been turning up for most of my life: that’s the old emotionally-repressed fake I’m-trying-to-get-you-to-like-me-so-I-don’t-get-hurt me. We talked a lot about the importance of being authentic when relating to women too, and how “faking it” doesn’t work for guys like us. For us, learning to be good with women is more about getting in touch with our true inner selves. The repressed chick magnet within, if you like.

By the end of the conversation, Derrick was inspired and said he could see me coaching men on how to attract women more effectively. “Before our conversation, I just didn’t know what to do. Now, I can see that there are things I can do to make a difference.”, he said. I’m going to send him a free copy of my book too, which I know is going to blow his mind with possibilities. I can’t wait to see what results he gets when he start applying it; I’m excited. And if you know how draining to excitement Chronic Fatigue is, you’ll know that’s a big deal. In return, he’s going to send me some homeopathic remedies. Fair swap I think. I already know he’s going to take action on Skill #1: Learn To Dance. Imagine if he were to implement Skills 2 thru 22 as well; this guy’s going to be unstoppable!

Meanwhile, I’m off to do some more emotional healing work via Breathwork. Several people in the last few weeks have mentioned this technique and although I’m a slow learner, when I start getting the same message via multiple places I do start paying attention. Ditching emotional baggage is one of the steps in my book on attracting women, and although I’ve already done a lot of work on this area of my life, I suspect there could be more to do. And if Derrick reckoned Breathwork helped heal his Chronic Fatigue, I’m willing to give it a go. Attract more women and get well all at the same time… what I bonus that would be.

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Attraction between men and women is a completely natural thing. The problem for guys who struggle with women is that we get in our own way by repeating ineffective behaviours in our interactions with women that kill this natural attraction. After a while, we conclude that there’s something wrong with us, or that the women we’re interested in just aren’t attracted to us; when in fact, success is simply a matter of replacing the ineffective behaviours with those that are more likely to get us positive results. Often the reason we haven’t done this yet is that we didn’t have a good role-model to teach us what works, and what doesn’t; and we end up doing what doesn’t work over and over again.

By far the biggest killer of attraction for a woman is neediness. Whether it be social neediness, emotional neediness or sexual neediness; any of these are a huge turn-off for women. Trying to make a woman like you is an instant recipe for failure because it’s just exhibiting your social neediness. Rather than worrying about what she thinks of you, focus on how you can provide value for her in this interaction by making it fun and engaging for her. Emotional or sexual neediness will both kill any sexual tension, and make you come across as just another desperate guy who either wants a surrogate mother, or wants to use her for sex. Or both. Women have a radar for guys like that, and it just ain’t appealing to them.

If you can hold a conversation that’s not focused on meeting your social needs, but is enjoyable and engaging for her, she’ll end up being interested and attracted to you. Once you learn to get good at this, you’ll find all your social interactions with women becoming more enjoyable. Attraction for us guys tends to happen immediately based on looks, whereas for a woman attraction takes time to develop and is much more about social engagement and feeling comfortable around you. If you’re needy and stressed out when talking to a woman, that’s going to make her uncomfortable and be massively un-attractive to her.

The surest way to overcome neediness is to have a well-rounded, interesting life of your own, with a wide social circle. Having a wide range of interests and hobbies that you engage in not only makes your life more enjoyable, it also makes you a more well-rounded man. And this makes you much more attractive to women. It takes the pressure off you because the outcome of any particular social interaction with a woman is unimportant: no matter how it goes, you have a great life to fall back on anyway. Without this pressure, you can be more fun and engaging in your interactions.

Another sure-fire attraction-killer is putting the woman on a pedestal. The more attractive the woman, the more likely it is that she’s besieged by guys all of whom are trying to get into her pants by sucking up to her all the time, or trying to get her to like them so she can be a trophy on their arm. Attractive women know this, and it pisses them off. Being on a pedestal all the time might sound like fun to you, but to her, it’s a pain in the ass.

Women want guys who they can relate to, and they can’t relate to you if you’ve put yourself 3 feet down below them in social status. Regardless of their looks, you need to treat women as your equal if you want them to be attracted to you. The best way to knock a woman off the pedestal that you keep putting her on is to tease her. Teasing is the basis of all flirting, and is a fun and engaging way to connect with a woman. If you were on the wrong end of hurtful teasing as a kid, this isn’t going to feel natural at first; but we’re not kids any more and playful teasing really does work positively with adult women. Once you start teasing a woman playfully, she’ll begin responding to you in a totally different way, and conversations that once seemed like a terror-inducing nightmare for you will turn into fun for both of you.

You need to be prepared to lose the woman you’re talking to, if you want to really create some powerful attraction between you. If you’re always playing it safe because you don’t like offending people, you’re just exhibiting more social neediness and end up pandering to the lowest common denominator. This means you’ll never stand out from the crowd; and women want guys who are unique that are prepared to stand out from the crowd. Women aren’t as easily offended as you may have been led to believe, and will often react with laughter or mock shock if you say something mildly offensive in a joking or playful manner. Don’t be a jerk, but be prepared to risk losing the occasional woman who doesn’t resonate with your sense of humour, rather than scaling everything you say back to the most conservative. You’ll find yourself attracting many more women this way; and you wouldn’t have gotten on well with the women you lose anyway.

While women may not be as visually oriented as men when it comes to attraction, the clothes and shoes that you wear still create the first impression she gets of you. If you’re still wearing the sort of clothes that your mother dressed you in, you probably need a wardrobe makeover. Get yourself into one of those trendy clothing stores that you don’t normally visit which are staffed by women, and ask a sales assistant to deck you out in a new outfit that she likes. Or take a female friend with some fashion sense with you, and tell her to be really honest with you. Don’t worry whether you like the result; it’s probably not what you’re used to wearing, but it will grow on you. “Clothes maketh the man”, and if you want women to give you a second glace so you can engage them with your witty repartee, you need to make sure that you’re not repelling women with what you’re wearing. You’ll probably have to spend twice what you’re used to in order to do this, but consider that this is still only a fraction of the cost and effort that the women you’re interested in are going to in order to look nice for you.

I’ve only touched on the tip of the iceberg here. There’s a whole lot more in terms of mindset changes to make, practical steps you can take, hobbies to experience, things to do and places to go to meet and attract more and better quality women in my ebook on How to Become a Chick Magnet. Grab a copy if you want to start having the success with women that you deserve!

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And then I discovered the secret to flirting. I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before. Once I realised what it was, I noticed that all the “naturals” I knew who got on so well with the women I was interested in were doing it with these women; I just hadn’t realised. It’s so simple, I can sum it up in one word: teasing.

This revelation was like an epiphany for me when it came to relating to women.

If you want to learn to flirt, you need to learn to tease. The more attractive the woman, the more likely you are to need to tease her. Attractive women are sick of boring guys trying to suck up to her by being “nice” all the time. Perhaps like me, you had bad experiences with being teased when you were a kid, and hate the idea of hurting anyone elses’s feelings. Well we’re all adults now; we’re not in high school anymore. Adult women actually like it when you tease them. It’s fun and flirtatious. Now you don’t want to go too crazy picking things she’s likely to be really sensitive and end up feeling hurt about. The aim isn’t to hurt her feelings; it’s to have some fun and show that you’re not intimidated by her.

Just this weekend I was at a Brazillian Festival in Sydney. I wasn’t feeling real well, but I met a very cute Czech girl there who had the most wonderful energy that just talking to her lifted my spirits. Rather than my old habits of trying to get her to like me, I decided to have some fun and tease her. She came from a town near Prague, and when we talked about how beautiful Prague was, I hassled her saying “If Prague is so beautiful, why did you move to Sydney?”. She said that when she got off the plane, she breathed in the Sydney air and just fell in love with the place. “Kind of makes me wonder what the guy in front of you was smoking!” I replied. You see, I’m learning to stop self-censoring and actually saying what pops into my head in conversations with women. I’m also thinking “What can I tease her about?” in the back of my mind while listening to what she’s saying, rather than thinking “What will I say next to impress her?”

By the end of the conversation, she was doing most of the talking and asking me lots of questions about where I grew up, how many languages I speak. In the past, a lot of my conversations with women have been the other way around, with me asking all the questions as they gradually get less and less engaged. Now I know that teasing is the key I was missing. Of course, that’s not the only key. I wouldn’t have been able to engage her on the discussion about Prague if I hadn’t been to Europe myself, and we wouldn’t have been able to discuss different languages if I hadn’t learnt to speak French and Sign Language.

Travelling overseas and learning other languages are just two of the things I recommend in my book on How to Become a Chick Magnet, if you want to improve your success with women. Grab yourself a copy now and start having more fun with women, and begin experiencing the success you deserve!

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