Dating and Attracting Women

I’m house-sitting for my sister down in Canberra, Australia’s capital city. The only friends I know who live here are either away on holidays or out of contact. I wouldn’t mind meeting some new people to hang out with while I’m in town, and I’ve been inspired by Joseph Matthew’s book The Art Of Approaching to have a go at approaching women and starting conversations.

I was talking to my friend Ruth about this back in Sydney a few weeks ago, and her advice was this:

“Look Graham, people go out to clubs to meet other people. All you’ve got to do is to walk up and say ‘Hi, I’m Graham’” [puts her hand out to initiate a handshake].

Interesting. I still had a hunch that the wisdom in Joseph’s book would help me, but maybe I was over-complicating things a bit. Us analytical guys tend to do that sometimes.

So last Friday night I hit the town, to see if I could meet some people in a pub or club. If you’re used to doing this, it might seem like a no-brainer; but not to me. I’m the guy who used to have a full-blown panic attack just walking into a nightclub, and the thought of approaching anyone at all, let alone an attractive woman, just freaked me out.

In order to ensure take the pressure off and I had a successful evening, I decided before leaving home that my criteria for success was simply this: to approach at least one person during the night and say “Hi”. If I could accomplish this, I’d consider it a success.

I started off by heading to the wine bar that a friend of mine had recommended. It’s a little hard to find, so I needed to ask directions from a threesome having dinner at an Italian restaurant nearby. “Well, I’ve already approached a stranger and talked to them by asking directions”, I thought. Didn’t really count though; and besides, the wine bar was still closed from the New Year break! Damn.

Well I wasn’t going to give up, so I headed into the center of Canberra. A thriving cultural hub. If you grew up in a desert perhaps. But nevertheless, I found a bar called The Moosehead which I thought might be worth a shot. On wandering in, I discovered it full of men. No women to be seen. Anywhere. “What the?”. I wandered around a bit, but found only men: drinking, playing pool, sitting around. The gender I was most interested in was distinctly missing. I sat down and watched the cricket on the video screen. Cricket? I don’t care about cricket… what am I doing here?

If there were no women to talk to, I figured I’d better have a go at talking to some men instead. There was a guy sitting near the bar not far from me, so I wandered over and said “Hi… I’m Graham”. We shook hands and started to chat. He seemed friendly enough. It wasn’t long before he offered to buy me a beer:

“I don’t drink beer.”

“Huh?”, he looked at me disapprovingly, as if I’d said something totally un-Australian.

“It tastes like piss to me. I drink wine. If you want to get me a red wine, that’d be cool”.

“Wine???”

“Yeah, wine”.

I’m learning not to be fazed when other people don’t approve of the choices I make. It’s all part of getting over Nice Guy Syndrome. I really do hate the taste of beer. Why should I drink something I don’t even like, just because everyone else thinks it’s the manly thing to do? Besides, this guy was drunk as a skunk. What do I care what he thinks?

My new friend introduced me to a few of his friends, all of whom appeared to be wasting a significant chunk of their lives hanging out drunk in this rather ordinary bar. But we had a good chat. I was very open about being there to meet women.

“Where the heck are all the women? There’s only men in here”, I said

“Wait till later. Around 11pm, they’ll be in here.”

“Really? Because I can’t see any here now.”

“Believe me, they’ll be here. Just wait around.”

“And what am I supposed to do for the two hours until then?”

Talk to these drunk guys was the obvious option. They were pretty good to warm up on. Very receptive. I teased them a lot and we joked around heaps; they were good fun. I was saying all this outrageous stuff about how I was there to meet women, and more guys just kept coming over to talk to me. After finishing my wine, I was thinking it was time to move on when one of them offered me another drink.

“No thanks, I think I’m done.”

“What? It’s only 9:30”, he stammered with a look of disapproval.

If this was the best company Canberra had to offer on a Friday night, I might be heading home early, which would mean no more drinks if I wanted to be able to drive. Plus I didn’t really want to be caught staying for several rounds with these drunk guys if there were women out there to meet somewhere. I couldn’t believe how bold I was getting by this stage, when I replied with:

“Look, I know it’s completely inconceivable to you that I might actually want to stop drinking alcohol. But I don’t want any more at the moment, thank you.”

“Just who the hell do you think you are?” he incredulated

Well whoever I think I am, I’m obviously projecting a lot more confidence than before I started all the personal development stuff I describe in How to Become a Chick Magnet. That stuff obviously works. I just smiled in reply. I’m learning that I don’t need to justify myself all the time to other people.

“Well it’s been great meeting you guys, I hope you all have a great evening. I’m off now. Bye”.

It was only 9:30pm, and already my evening was a success because I’d said “hi” to one person. More than one, in fact. I wouldn’t mind saying “hi” to an actual woman though. I wandered around a few city blocks before coming across my next establishment: The Tongue and Groove. It was obviously going off, with heaps of people packed in talking, and a few girls almost dancing. I must have walked past the place three times before summoning the courage to go in.

I didn’t really have much in the way of pick-up lines prepared since I think they’re pretty cheesy, but I did have a simple opinion opener as a fall-back after introducing myself:

“Do you think people are friendlier in Canberra or Sydney?”

As I walked through the crowd, my heart started to explode from my chest. “How am I going to approach any of these people?” One girl made eye contact briefly, and before I knew it I was at the end of the room with nowhere to go. Who to approach? What to say? Oh stuff it, I’ll just have to do it.

I went back to the girl I’d made the brief eye-contact with who appeared to be with three friends and said:

“Hi, I’m Graham.” (put hand out to initiate handshake)

She just stood there with her hands clutched at her chest, looking scared. Oh-oh. I waited. Nervously. Eventually she took my hand, said:

“I’m Jenny”, she said as she turned her back to me.

Damn. Well, I’m learning not to give up at the first hint of rejection. I turned to the girl on her left, who looked like she might be a friend and tried again:

“Hi, I’m Graham.” (put hand out to initiate handshake)

“Hi, Nice to meet you. I’m Mary.”

“Cool. Nice to meet you too. How is your evening going?”

She was more receptive, and we chatted briefly. At least I got a positive response that time. Pretty soon she turned towards Jenny, which meant away from me. She seemed friendly enough though. There was another guy there too, so I thought I’d better include him.

“Hi, I’m Graham.” (put hand out to initiate handshake)

“Hi, I’m Mark.”

“Nice to meet you Mark. How’s your evening going?”.

By then Mary was back.

“Hey Mary, let me ask you’re opinion on something: Which city do you think is friendlier: Canberra or Sydney?”

“Canberra. It’s a smaller town”

Based on Jenny’s reaction, I wasn’t so sure. I should have said so, but the old Nice Guy thing still gets in the way sometimes, so I still self-censor sometimes. But I’m rapidly getting over that, and finally we had some conversation going. Albeit after a bit of a struggle.

“Hey what’s the matter. I don’t look like a stalker do I?”

“You don’t look like a stalker… but you sound like a stalker”, Mary replied.

Ouch. That hurt. People have told me I’ve got a great voice. It’s not as deep as I’d like, so I’m a bit sensitive to it. In hindsight she was just putting me to the test; and I failed by taking it personally and recoiling. Only a bit, but still it would have been better if I’d just smiled or teased her back. I really don’t like being called a stalker either, which is a hint that I probably shouldn’t have brought the subject up… all it did was backfire.

Soon Mary and Jenny took off to the toilets and I was left talking to Mark. He seemed nice enough. Didn’t know whether Canberra or Sydney was more friendly, because he was from Melbourne. I had sensed, perhaps incorrectly, that the girls didn’t want to talk to me, and still feeling slightly wounded from the stalker comment I decided to head off.

“Well nice to meet you Mark. Say goodbye to Mary and Jenny for me when they get back.”

“Oh”, he seemed surprised that I was leaving, “Yeah… OK”.

I think I’d misread things and could have stayed, but I was committed to going by now, so I did.

Now the good thing about all this was that although I felt mildly rejected when Jenny didn’t want to talk to me initially and when Mary said I sounded like a stalker, it didn’t trigger the horrible self-flagellation process that used to go on in my head whenever I felt I’d failed at some social situation. I didn’t spiral downwards into a horrible pit of despair. People talk about being afraid of rejection, but it’s not the rejection that we fear really: it’s the negative way we’ve been programmed to treat ourselves when we encounter it. I was happy that when I’d encountered resistance, I just kept going until I got success. As a result, we all had a brief but pretty good conversation. Nevertheless, I felt like I was done with The Tongue & Groove for now.

I wandered out wondering if there was a place with friendlier people around, and thought it might be time to visit the Irish pub I’d been past before. So off I set like a man on a mission to get there.

And then a most remarkable thing happened. Walking past a cafe on the way, I saw a hot blonde waitress packing up tables suddenly give another guy the bird. You know, the old middle-finger “Fuck You”. Instinctively I must have reacted with a “What-The???” facial expression, because right at that moment the waitress turned around, saw the look on my face and started justifying herself. She seemed embarrassed. She also seemed really hot, and sweet. Something I’m encountering more and more these days.

“He just said ‘bend over lady and take it up the ass you little slut’. Arsehole!!!”

“Um… Right. I see.”, I replied as I kept walking past

“Yeah, he was really disgusting to say that”

“Yeah… totally inappropriate.”, as I kept walking off into the distance.

She kept talking to me as I walked off, even though I was several metres away with my back to her by now. Justifying why she’d made the rude gesture that she hadn’t expected anyone else to see. Hang on, I thought. She seems nice. So I doubled back.

“Hey. Obscene gestures not withstanding, you seem kinda nice. Would you like to grab a coffee after you finish up here tonight?”

“Thanks, but to be honest, I’m really exhausted. Sorry.”

I’m learning not to give up at the first sign of rejection, so…

“Ok, how about another time? I’m from out of town and don’t know anyone here.”

“Um, yeah. I’ve just got back from England and don’t know anyone either, so yes… coffee would be fun.”

“Great. What’s your name?”

“Sally.”

“I’m Graham. Nice to meet you”

She shook my hand while holding a half-full glass of coke, which I ended up wearing.

“Don’t worry… Give me your number.”, I said

(Gets her number, puts it into phone)

“I’ll SMS you mine, and give you a call. Have a great evening!”, I said

“Thanks, bye!”

So I carried on to the Irish pub, with Sally’s number safely stashed in my phone. Somehow this gave me even more confidence. Not only had my evening been a success because I’d met my objective of saying “Hi” to one person, I’d had the guts to approach a group of people and start a conversation with them; and I now had a hot girl’s phone number as icing on the cake. I hadn’t even planned to get any numbers that night; it was my first attempt at this.

In the Irish pub I just walked up to people and introduced myself. Only about 50% of people responded like they wanted to talk to me, but that was enough to have a few conversations. Again, if they didn’t want to talk to me, I didn’t sit there ruminating or analysing myself negatively… I just said hello to someone else. Or listened to the band.

As I walked out, a very cute looking girl was sitting by herself outside, so I sauntered over, sat down next to her and said “hello”. Initially she was facing away from me, but as we talked, her body language gradually became more accommodating. She was waiting for a guy who turned up after a few minutes, and we talked about something to do with friendships. Some of her friends were bumming her out.

“I only hang out with quality people”, I said at one point.

It was in context at the time, but it even surprised me when I said it. No idea where that came from.

“I wish I could say that”, she replied.

“Hell, why not? It’s your life isn’t it?”

It’s amazing how what we say frames the way the world responds to us. Say you only hang out with quality people… and what do you know, before long you discover that’s true.

I went home on a high. I had a successful evening, and ended up with a phone number as a bonus. Some people were friendly to me, some were not. But when they were not, I didn’t indulge in the old self-deprecation rubbish I used to go on with. I discovered I’m able to let other people respond to me the way they do, without me having to get all stressed about it.

I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to approach anyone if I hadn’t been inspired by reading The Art Of Approaching. If you haven’t read it yet, get it now. It’s truly excellent.

2010 is going to be a very good year.

When I start hearing the same message coming at me from multiple independent sources, that usually gets my attention. Last year I had several sources giving me the message that women want men with backbone who they can “push up against”. They get tired and ultimately resentful of Nice Guys who always yield powerlessly to them, and everyone else.

I listened to an interview recently where Robert Glover described what is wrong with Nice Guys most succinctly by quoting a comment from his ex-wife, who said “How would I know that you could ever stand up for me, if you can’t even stand up to me?”. Robert calls it Nice Guy Syndrome in his book titled No More Mr. Nice Guy! He points out that while Nice Guys think that what they are doing will please other people, ultimately it just leads to resentment. In short, it really pisses women off.

At Passionately Alive, Nicholas talked about the importance of having relationships with people who meet us where we are at, with a similar level of passion. Women want guys who don’t just collapse or run away in the face of strong emotions, whether they be the pleasant or unpleasant variety. When a woman pushes up against a man emotionally, she’s testing his boundaries and his resilience; she wants to know that he’s up to it, and that he’s not going to just walk away or act all pathetic in the face of what’s real for her.

In an anger management workshop, Denise Cook talked of the importance of being able to express our anger, and there’s a chapter about this in my book. But she also talked about being prepared to stand our ground and listen to another person’s anger without collapsing, running away or becoming defensive. Women particularly want men who are prepared to listen to what they have to say, even when it isn’t all sugary and sweet.

When I’m dancing, girls often comment that when I’m providing a strong, firm lead, they enjoy dancing with me more. They want to be led strongly; they don’t want a weak, noncommittal lead. It works the other way too; when a girl has no “tension” and her arm just flops around and yields when I push against it, I feel no connection with her. I want a strong connection, not a weak one. When I push against a girl, I want her to push back because that makes the partnership feel more connected and ultimately more fun. It’s the same in the rest of life too.

I’m still recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome. I was brought up to be polite and respectful, and thought that if I was “nice” to other people, I’d avoid conflict and get through life relatively unscathed. But another way of looking at it is that I adopted the nice guy persona because I mistakenly thought it was the best way to get my needs met. Being a Nice Guy is a lazy way of trying to be happy by seeking other people’s approval and validation, rather than having to learn how to love and validate ourselves.

Some of the symptoms that have affected me are:

• Seeking approval and validation from other people
• Trying to make other people like
• Worrying too much what other people thought
• Avoiding conflict
• Worrying about offending other people
• Trying really hard not to upset people
• Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings
• Apologizing for other people’s feelings of upset
• Not allowing myself to feel or express anger
• Not asking for what I really wanted
• Not speaking up for myself
• Making rejection about me, rather than about other people
• Feeling like I was never good enough
• Believing that if I just tried harder to please people, they would give me what I wanted without me having to ask
• Telling people what I thought they wanted to hear
• Avoiding feelings of shame by not exposing thoughts, feelings or desires I thought were morally unacceptable
• Pandering to the lowest common conservative denominator

Nowadays, I’m starting to look at things differently. I recognize that Nice Guy Syndrome not only doesn’t get me what I really want, but it also tends to piss people off. Especially women I want to relate too. They want a man that’s his own real self with them, not a compliant wuss that’s trying to seek their approval all the time. That sort of thing just isn’t attractive to women.

I’m working on finding my own validation internally instead of seeking it from other people. I’m learning to accept that when people are upset or angry with me, that’s about them rather than about me. I can take it. I’m learning to question and challenge the misguided things that I have been taught about basic human nature which made me feel shameful about myself.

I’m standing up for myself and speaking my truth, whether other people like it or not, and I’m learning to handle the uncomfortable feelings that I get when I do so. Ultimately, I’m learning to be more authentic by stripping away the act that I misguidedly played in the hope that it would make other people like me.

The first step in recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome is to stop trying to make people like you. To do this effectively, you also need to ditch the emotional baggage that makes you seek other people’s approval in the first place. Both these things are key steps to changing your mindset which I describe in How to Become a Chick Magnet, so you’ll want to grab a copy and start the transition from Nice Guy to Chick Magnet right away. Grab a copy of Robert Glover’s excellent book No More Mr Nice Guy too. Love Systems also have a great interview on No  More Mr Nice Guy, with more tips on how to be a more attractive man around women by dropping the Nice Guy act.

Rejection is generally the number one fear most guys have when it comes to women. For many years, I was too terrified of rejection to approach the women I was attracted to, which is why I decided I needed to get them to approach me instead. It’s normal to fear rejection; it’s an instinctual response going back to the days when rejection from the tribe meant certain death. But that’s not the end of the story; rejection is no longer terminal and this fear can be overcome. I’m still working on overcoming my fear of rejection, and here are some simple strategies that I find helpful for handling it:

Remember It’s About Them, Not About You

Rejection stings because we turn it into a story about us: We get rejected and conclude that we’re not good enough, not worthy enough, not deserving enough, not interesting enough, not attractive enough. Any insecurity about ourselves is immediately linked to the women who we think has rejected us. Then we generalize and assume that if one woman rejects us, every woman will reject us because there is something wrong with us. It’s all about us.

The antidote to this is to remind us that rejection says more about them than it does about us. After all, they are not interested. It’s not about you; it’s about them. The crunch point for me is approaching a woman to start a conversation; if I can’t get past this, any future relationship is dead in the water. Just not going to happen. So the trick to remember is that if a woman rejects you when you approach, all it means is that she is not interested right now. There are a million reasons why she might not be interested right now, and most of them have nothing to do with you. For example:

• She might be premenstrual
• She might be in a foul mood about something else
• She might be running late
• She might be waiting to meet someone
• She might have a boyfriend
• She might prefer to date ugly morons
• She’s even more afraid of talking to you than you are talking to her

So remember; rejection isn’t about you at all, it’s about them.

Think Of Reasons Why She Isn’t What You’re Looking For

If you get rejected, rather than dwelling on your failure, think of reasons why she isn’t what you’re looking for either. If you never got the chance to get to know her, you’ll have to use your imagination; which can work to your advantage. People are never what they seem on the surface, and women have just as many hang-ups, insecurities, and problems as guys. Run a mile from her if she rejects you, because she may well:

• Have $50,000 in credit card debt

• Have an insanely jealous mafia hit-man boyfriend
• Be secretly married or having an affair

• Suffer from depression/anxiety or some nasty chronic illness
• Be high maintenance
• Have a sexually transmitted disease you don’t want
• Be a horrible gold-digging bitch
• Be dumber, needier, or more annoying than average (50% of women are!)
• Hate men
• Be a lying, cheating, manipulator
• Just want to use you for sex (terrible, I know)

Do you really want to be accepted by a woman like that?

Change Your Expectations

Often we magnify the pain of rejection with the implicit expectation that people we meet should validate us in some way. This is normal, but unhelpful. Often the more beautiful the woman, the more we want validation because it makes us feel good about ourselves. The way to avoid this is to start out by feeling good about ourselves in the first place, so we’re not dependent on validation from other people. This is one of the aims of the program in my book.

If we approach a beautiful woman with the expectation that we can get her straight into bed with us, we’re cranking up the pressure on ourselves enormously. Changing your expectations to “An enjoyable conversation for both of us”, and you’ll be much less fearful.

Think Of The Time She’s Just Saved You

If you meet a woman and she’s not interested, she’s not interested. Rather than being “polite” and wasting your time, she’s just let you off the hook to go and spend your time with someone nicer who potentially is interested in you. Start out with the assumption that regardless of what happens when you meet a woman, there are plenty of other women out there who are better than the one you’re about to meet. If you don’t hit it off, just move on. Let some other poor schmuck put up with her moody nonsense. Politely say “see you later” and remember that she’s just done you a favor.

Humans are social animals. Most people are friendly, but a few are horrors. The same goes for women. Would you really want to spend your time with a woman who would be completely rude to a stranger who approached her with nothing more that the expectation of a mutually enjoyable conversation? If a woman is so rude as to ignore you without showing the slightest interest in you as a human being, she lacks basic respect and social skills. She’s not the kind of person you want to be hanging around with; you deserve better. Move on.

Practice Practice Practice

If you want to get good at anything, you need to practice. Including starting conversations, and handling rejection. To avoid this becoming a painful nightmare, you need to drop your expectations first. Practice starting conversations with anyone and everyone you meet. Over time, you’ll learn how to do it better and better. Bored people like checkout operators or people waiting in queues or for elevators are prime targets. Speak to guys, girls, and anyone you meet standing around. You will need to actually experience some rejection in order to learn that you can handle it: that the sky doesn’t fall, the world doesn’t stop turning, and you don’t need to be rushed straight to the nearest psychiatric ward.

To help minimize the pain you experience when first practicing handling rejection, remember to minimize your expectations. Don’t expect to get a girl’s phone number or to end up in bed with her; just have the expectation that you will get practice at initiating a conversation. Even if they say nothing at all and “reject you” totally, you have still succeeded at making the effort to initiate a conversation. If this is all you expect, you cannot really fail. Most people will respond positively to small-talk, especially if they’re bored. This will help boost your confidence.

Give People Interest Ratings

Another way to help reduce expectations and make the mental shift from rejection being about you to it being about them, is to practice approaching people with the sole intention of ascertaining how interested they are in having a conversation with you right now. Give each person a mental rating between 0 and 10. Remember, the rating is about them; not about you. Walk away from each conversation thinking “She was a 5” or “She was a 2”. Rather than rating her beauty, desirability or hotness, you’re rating her level of interest in a conversation right now. This also helps diffuse the feeling that you’ve “missed out” if she was really attractive to you, because instinctively we know that the lower the number, the less worthwhile she is pursuing. Remind yourself that there’s no point pursuing people who aren’t interested in you; that’s just wasting time you could be spending on women who are potentially interested.

Don’t Generalize

If a specific woman isn’t interested in a conversation with you right now, avoid generalizing this to mean that she wouldn’t be interested under other circumstances, or that other women similar to her won’t be interested either. This is just the mind playing evil self-defeating tricks on us. We’re purpose built to find generalizations everywhere; it’s essential to our learning and survival. But in this case, it’s not helpful. Remind yourself of the reasons why this particular woman is bad news for us, and move on.

Also avoid grouping women into categories like “too good looking for me”. The truth is that there are no such categories. A hot looking woman is just as likely to be interested (or not interested) as a plain looking woman. You may have taught yourself that hot looking women aren’t interested in you, but that’s only because you didn’t care enough about the plain looking women to notice that a lot of them weren’t interested in you either. Regardless of looks or any other quality you might find desirable, most women aren’t going to be interested in you; your job is to locate and connect with the ones that are. Don’t assume that all hot women are gold-digging bitches just because one rejected you once upon a time. Hot women have feelings too, you know.

Focus On How They Feel

If your focus when approaching a woman is to get them to make you feel good by hanging around with you, you’ve lost the battle already. You’ve made it all about you. Remember: it’s about them, not you. Rather than worrying about what you’re going to say to make them like you, think about what you’re going to say to make them feel good, either about themselves or about the conversation.

Be an interesting, entertaining person. Learn the skills necessary to improve the way you interact with other people if necessary. Communication is everything, and if you want to reduce the risk of rejection, then focus on how you can communicate powerfully in ways that make the other person feel good. Don’t worry so much about how you feel; care about their feelings instead, and you’ll get on much better with other people generally.

Have A Fun, Interesting Life of Your Own

The better your life is, the happier you’ll be, the more women you’ll attract, and the easier you’ll find it to handle rejection. When the reality of your world is that there are women available to you 24/7, it won’t matter so much whether the next hottie you meet wants to get to know you or not. Lucky for you I wrote a book on exactly this subject, eh? I suggest you read it.